


On the Rocks

by Chapstick12



Category: The Young and the Restless
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, F/F, Past Sexual Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Teriah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-17
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2020-09-06 07:00:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 31,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20287327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chapstick12/pseuds/Chapstick12
Summary: Mariah and Tessa weave through the intricacies and difficulties of their relationship.*NOTE: This story contains elements of alcohol and sexual abuse/violence.





	1. Chapter 1

It had been a bit of a whirlwind but Mariah and Tessa managed to settle into their new apartment amidst the chaos of their demanding careers. They referred to this as their Deluxe Shoebox, complete with three bedrooms, two bathrooms, and a couch with absolutely no pull-out function. Mariah hired a decorator because in her words, “Who has the time?” And while Tessa wasn’t used to such luxuries, she had to agree. Plus, neither of them was exactly skilled at that sort of thing. 

When Mariah had moved into Tessa’s studio, it became their home but this was different. It was a new beginning for both of them, a new step they were taking together. They both enjoyed the extra space and the reliable hot water. But much more than that, they loved the feeling of making a new home together. 

Tessa was grateful for such security in their relationship as she was about to embark on a 20-city tour with three other LP artists. She would be gone for a month and hated the idea of being away from Mariah for such an extended period of time. But she knew they were solid with everything they had faced in the past. A few weeks apart was nothing. 

Mariah, on the other hand, was almost relieved at the timing of Tessa’s tour. She would miss her girlfriend like mad but her job had progressively threatened to take over her entire life. She was thriving in her new role at Power Communications and found she was good at it. She enjoyed the work she was doing but she was having trouble juggling work and time with Tessa. She often felt guilty for all the phone calls she took over dinners together and more so missing those dinners altogether when she was stuck at the office. Ever the understanding soul, Tessa never made her feel bad about it and even supported her. 

“It’s fine,” she would always say, followed by a sweet kiss. 

Mariah absolutely adored this woman and there was nothing she wouldn’t do for her. So she saw this month apart as an opportunity to find her stride, get things in order, and figure out how to properly balance her life. Tessa deserved that. They deserved that. 

It was the day before Tessa was to leave and she was upstairs packing. Mariah came up to join her but stopped short of the room and leaned on the doorframe gazing at her girlfriend. Tessa’s head was fully buried in her packing, trying to find the right looks for the right cities. Tessa suddenly felt a hovering presence and she looked up to see Mariah smiling at her. 

“Hey you.”  
“Hey you.”

They locked eyes in a moment they shared, knowing they wouldn’t have another like this again for a while. Mariah would be without Tessa but at least she could sleep in their bed, still smell her while she was gone. Tessa would be in a new bed every night or on a bus, missing home.

Tessa shook off the sad feelings. She didn’t want to miss Mariah yet. Not with her standing right in front of her. 

“This or this?” she asked, holding up two shirts. 

“Those are the exact same shirt but in two different colors.”

Tessa shrugged her shoulders, still seeking an answer. 

“Definitely the red,” Mariah replied as she peeled herself from the doorway, sauntered over to Tessa, and wrapped her arms around her from behind. “You look so good in red.” Mariah kissed Tessa’s neck, inhaling her scent, committing it to memory. Tessa leaned back into Mariah’s mouth, hoping her touch would sear into her skin, leaving something to take with her. 

“Do you really have to leave?” Mariah mumbled into Tessa’s ear. 

Tessa turned to look at her girlfriend. “You’re the one who set up this tour.”

“And I’m obviously very bad at my job. I have terrible judgement, sending you away like that.”

Tessa smiled and leaned in for a short, loving kiss. She pulled back slowly and looked Mariah earnestly in her eyes. “It’s one month.” Tessa kissed her again then focused her attention back on her task. She moved to the large walk-in closet to gather more options. “Besides,” she called to Mariah, “you’re so busy with work, you’ll barely notice I’m gone.”

Tessa had no intention of being snarky but without seeing her face, Mariah couldn’t entirely tell. Her heart sunk. She was letting Tessa down and they both knew it. Tessa emerged with an armful of clothes and dumped them on the bed, preparing to sort, fold, and pack them. Noting an uncharacteristic silence from her girlfriend, she glanced over. Mariah’s eyebrows were crinkled and her eyes were sad. Tessa stepped towards Mariah and placed a palm on her cheek. 

“What is it?”

Mariah looked into Tessa’s eyes and with a glimmer of resolution she proclaimed, ”Things will be better when you get back.”

Tessa rubbed Mariah’s cheek with her thumb. “Things are perfect.” She smiled into Mariah’s eyes, hoping to convince her. Mariah tried to smile back but there was a deep sadness. “No. They’re not.” She looked at Tessa for a moment, silently expressing that she understood what was at stake. “But I promise they will be.” She wrapped Tessa in a hug. Tessa held onto Mariah and rested her chin on her shoulder and felt safe. Mariah whispered, “Everything will be perfect.”

# \--------------------------

Later that night, Mariah and Tessa shuffled around their bedroom and back and forth to the bathroom as they got themselves ready for a night out. This was their last night together before Tessa left and there was a weight in the air. They moved around each other so easily, so in sync while they dressed, primped, and preened. At one point they both ended up in front of the bathroom mirror touching up their makeup. Halfway done with her lipstick, Tessa stopped and looked in the mirror at the two of them. Mariah peaked out the corner of her eye as she applied mascara to it. 

“What’s up?” Mariah asked. 

“So, I get that I should’ve said this an hour ago but do you wanna maybe skip tonight? Stay in, watch a movie? Just be together?”

Mariah scoffed. “Tessa, you can’t miss your own party.”

“Party? I thought we were having dinner.”

“Ooh,” Mariah replied, hesitation in her voice. “I didn’t tell you?”

“You really didn’t. What party?”

“The party Devon and I decided to throw you and the other acts tonight?” Mariah winced hoping her girlfriend wouldn’t be pissed. 

“Mariah,” Tessa whined. 

“I know, I know! I’m sorry! We wanted to do something nice for you. A celebration —“

“A promotion, you mean,” Tessa pointed out. 

“Well, I mean, yes, some cameras will be there and they will probably take pictures, and you will probably be in some of them.”

Tessa made a face and sighed. 

“But,” Mariah continued as she took Tessa’s hand, “There will be champagne and there will be dancing. And we only have to stay for a tiny bit.”

“How tiny?” Tessa pouted. 

“So tiny. A couple of pictures, a glass of champagne, a little mingling ... one dance? I hope?” Mariah smiled, pulling out the dimples for this one. 

She was winning Tessa over. “One dance. A short one.” They smiled at each other. Crisis averted once again. “I hate you, you know.”

“I know,” Mariah replied. “I hate you too.”

They smiled into a kiss that lasted a little too long, requiring them to fix their lipstick. As they put themselves back together, Mariah eyed Tessa. Blotting her lips she flirted, “You know, you can expect more of that when we get home tonight.”

Tessa’s eyes lit up. “Then we should go. Don’t want to be late for that party!” Tessa grabbed Mariah’s hand and they flew out of the room. 

# \------------------

When Mariah and Tessa arrived at Society, the rest of the acts were already there. Tessa knew them all well enough and figured she wouldn’t mind spending a month on the road with them. Right away, Mariah kept to her word. She wrangled the photographers and the other acts and arranged everyone in the necessary photos. The whole thing took five minutes and Tessa was impressed with her girlfriend’s dominance and assertiveness. She was rightly turned on.

As the group dispersed after the pictures were taken, Tessa leaned into Mariah’s ear and purred, “One hour?” A blush ran up Mariah’s cheeks. She managed to breathe out, “One hour.” Tessa smiled, gave Mariah a quick kiss, and went about her second duty: mingling. Mariah smiled after her then grabbed a flute of champagne off of the tray from a circulating waiter.

Tessa was grateful to run into Ana first, as she was in no mood to make awkward small talk. 

“Hey superstar!” Ana greeted Tessa with a giant smile. They hugged. “Are you excited?”

“Yeah, I can’t believe it. My first tour.” Tessa’s words didn’t match her level of enthusiasm.

Ana made a face. “Would you like to try that once more with a little bit more feeling?”

“I’m sorry. Yes. I’m super excited. This is amazing. I can’t believe it’s actually happening.”

Ana eyed her. “But ...?”

Tessa sighed. “I just don’t know if it’s the best time to go.”

Ana smiled. “I get it. Your first tour. It can be scary. But Tessa, they’re gonna love you.”

“Thanks. I -- I don’t want to sound ungrateful. But ...”

Tessa glanced over Ana’s shoulder to Mariah who had now switched from champagne to a martini. Ana followed Tessa’s stare. 

“But you don’t want to be away from Mariah for so long.”

Tessa looked back at Ana and sighed again. “Does that make me sound needy?”

“No. A little,” Ana smiled, “but in a good way.”

“I mean, we just moved into our new place and we’ve lived together for so long but things feel different, more permanent. And our schedules are kind of a mess right now. We keep missing each other and --”

“Tessa.” Ana cut off Tessa’s rambling. “It’ll be fine. You need to take this time to focus on you and your music. And Mariah can focus on her new job. She’s killing it. She’ll figure out how to manager her time. And when your tour’s over, we’ll get back in the studio and work on some new music.”

Tessa smiled. “That sounds nice.”

“The tour will be too. You’re gonna have a blast. And don’t worry about Mariah. I’ll keep an eye on her while you’re gone.”

Right on cue, Mariah came up behind Tessa and gave her a soft kiss on the cheek. “Dance with me?” she asked. Tessa spun around to face her girlfriend and smiled. “Of course.” Mariah took Tessa’s hand and led her onto the dance floor, where they basically just hugged and swayed to the slow music. Mariah rested her head against Tessa’s shoulder while her finders played with the bits of exposed skin peeking out of her dress. 

“I love you,” Tessa whispered, almost as if it wasn’t directly to Mariah. She felt that if she breathed it into the air, it would exist as a feeling in Genoa City and Mariah could sense it while she was gone. But it did reach Mariah’s ears and without lifting her head, she simply said, “I love you, too.” They stayed just like that, holding onto one another until they both noticed the song was over. Mariah looked up to see Tessa gazing down at her. They met in a kiss that started out chaste but it quickly grew and Tessa was certain Mariah was ready to take her home and give her a proper farewell. But before Tessa’s will could be realized, Devon approached them.

“Hey, Tessa. You all ready for tomorrow?”

“All packed,” Tessa said, hoping to sound more enthusiastic than she did with Ana. It didn’t really matter, though. Devon was only half listening to her.

“Great,” he said, already turning his attention to Mariah. “The guys from Toronto are here. You wanna go say hello?” 

Mariah’s ears perked up at these important clients and she instantly switched back to work mode. “Yes.” She turned to Tessa and gave her a soft kiss on the lips. “20 minutes,” she swore. Tessa smiled at her, indicating it was fine. Mariah and Devon headed over to the bar to meet with the “guys from Toronto”. Tessa saw Mariah order another martini and she had a sneaking suspicion this might take longer than 20 minutes. She noticed a few of the other musicians she would be touring with and figured she might as well get to know them a little better before they set off on this journey together tomorrow.

Over the next two hours, Tessa made pleasant conversation with her future travel mates while glancing Mariah’s way every so often. She’d lost count of her girlfriend’s drink tally but could tell it was at least one too many. Mariah was gesturing a little more emphatically, speaking quickly, and her face was red. Tessa finally decided it was time to take Mariah home. She herself was getting more tired when she thought about how early she needed to wake up in the morning. But, she thought, if they left now, they would still have a little time tonight just for them. Tessa approached the bar just in time to hear the end of a story Mariah was telling.

“… and that’s why Devon and I broke up.” The Toronto Guys seemed amused. Tessa sidled up to Mariah, who put down her drink and very excitedly said, “Here she is now! This is Tessa!” Mariah snaked an arm around Tessa’s waist.

“Hi,” Tessa timidly said to them, offering a quick wave.

“Baby, I was just telling them how we got together!” Mariah was yelling everything now, even though the bar wasn’t terribly loud with music and chatter .

Tessa raised her eyebrows. “Oh, fun.” Mariah beamed with pride, first at her girlfriend and then over to the gentlemen she was charming, almost gloating, as if to say, “That’s right. This beautiful woman is my girlfriend.” She wolfed down the rest of her drink.

“So,” Tessa started, quietly just to Mariah, “can we get out of here? I have to be up early tomorrow.”

Mariah checked her watch. “Oh, wow. It’s later than I thought.” She turned to the Toronto guys. “It was a pleasure meeting you. Devon and I will be in touch later in the week.” They all said their goodbyes. Mariah and Tessa both hugged Devon then Tessa helped Mariah make a swift exit.

Once outside, Tessa dug around in Mariah’s purse for her keys.

“Whatcha diggin’ around for in there?” Mariah asked, a goofy smile plastered on her face.

“Your keys,” Tessa replied. 

Mariah held up her hand and dangled the keyring on her finger. “My keys.”

While Tessa was well aware of just how adorable Drunk Mariah was, she wasn’t quite in the mood for a game of keep away. Or a game of rationalizing with the drunk. Really any of it. She just didn’t have the patience right now.

“Great, you found the keys. Can I have them?”

Mariah remained smiley and a little wobbly. 

“_May_ I have them?”

Tessa rolled her eyes. “That’s not annoying at all.”

Mariah tilted her head and raised her eyebrows expectantly. Tessa just wanted this part to be over so they could get home. Safely.

“Mariah, _may_ I have your keys?”

Mariah staggered closer to Tessa and kissed the tip of her nose. “You may have anything you want.” While annoyed, Tessa couldn’t help but smile at her girlfriend. 

“Right now, I’d like to drive us home.”

Mariah gladly handed Tessa her car keys. “Well, let’s go home then!” Mariah turned and ran to the car as if it was a race. Tessa had a feeling this would be a long car ride home.

And it was. When Mariah was drunk, she had musical ADD. She played a song for a few measures, sang at the top of her lungs, crinkled her nose and simply said, “Nope” then changed to a new song. She did this the whole way home and Tessa was starting to get a headache. She swiftly switched off the radio.

“Why don’t we talk?” Tessa knew this could be just as headache-inducing, listening to Drunk Mariah babble but thought it was worth a shot. When she didn’t receive an answer she looked over to the passenger side of the car. Mariah was slumped in her seat, her head resting on the window. She was asleep.

“So much for goodbye sex,” Tessa sighed internally as she drove them the rest of the way home.

# \------------------

At 5:00 the next morning Tessa woke without an alarm. She lay naked against Mariah, their bodies breathing together. It had been a struggle getting her drunk girlfriend out of the car and into their apartment. Tessa found it easier to just strip her and dump her into bed. She decided to sleep naked next to Mariah, her last chance for four weeks. She didn’t sleep much that night. Every time she woke, she felt Mariah’s body curled against her and she clung to her tighter. The feeling of her skin, her hair, her breath, Tessa would miss this so much. She loved when they slept. This was when everything was perfect. But now it was time to get out of bed, release an embrace that she wasn’t sure she could live without.

Tessa wasn’t quiet as she got ready and collected her things, going from room to room grabbing last minute items to stuff into her expanding luggage. She assumed Mariah would wake when she turned on the lights in the bedroom or when she turned on the hairdryer but every time Tessa passed by the bed she saw nothing but a motionless lump. She’d hoped Mariah would wake up on her own, not wanting to be directly responsible for introducing her to what she assumed would be a hangover from hell. Tessa looked at the clock and finally accepted that she wouldn’t be getting a proper goodbye. Tessa walked over to the bed and sat on the edge next to a soundly sleeping Mariah. She looked longingly at her for a minute, so many thoughts she couldn’t articulate anyway. “Maybe this is better,” Tessa thought. “Maybe a tearful goodbye would just make me feel worse.” She brushed red hair from her love’s forehead, leaned down, and replaced her hand with her lips. She held them there for a moment, hoping Mariah would feel the kiss when she woke up. Tessa rose, grabbed her bags, turned off the light and before leaving, offered a final, “I love you, Mariah.”

Tessa stood outside on the curb, waiting for her car to arrive. She was beginning to talk herself out of leaving just as the car pulled around the corner and parked in front of her. “Just go,” she thought to herself. “This is a good thing.” The driver stepped out and placed Tessa’s bags in the car. Tessa turned to give the apartment one last look when she noticed the door open and a burst of red emerge. Mariah ran out wearing Tessa’s bathrobe, the end trailing on the ground. She met Tessa, breathless. They looked at each other, both feeling relieved and also at a loss for words. 

“I woke up naked,” was all Mariah could come up with.

Tessa knew they couldn’t possibly say everything they needed to say to get them through the next month. There were no words. So she placed her hand around the back of Mariah’s neck, pulled her near, and she kissed her deeply. Mariah welcomed the kiss, opening her mouth, allowing it to deepen. Tessa pulled back and placed their foreheads together. 

“I love you,” they both said to each other, breathless from the kiss, from the goodbye. Tessa hesitantly released her grip on her girlfriend and got in the car. She sat in the backseat looking out the window at Mariah on the sidewalk. They both attempted smiles but smiling didn’t work for either of them right now. The driver pulled away and as Tessa got further away from Mariah, she had a sinking feeling in her stomach about this goodbye. Something felt wrong but she didn’t know what it was.


	2. Chapter 2

Tessa couldn’t explain it. The exhilaration of performing was an indescribable feeling. She had tried to articulate it to Mariah once before but she couldn’t find the words and had stumbled over her own thoughts. Because there just weren’t words for this euphoric experience. Whether it was performing in a park for one passerby or in a club full of cheering fans, this was the meaning of life. Music was everything to Tessa, second only to Mariah.

She had forgotten how much she loved this feeling and after her first show of the tour, she couldn’t believe she had actually considered staying home. The shows had all gone fantastically well and Mariah had told her that she was gaining quite the lesbian following. She was publicly out and there were several pictures on social media of her and Mariah looking very much like a couple. These women clung to her like an icon and she was more than happy to oblige. It gave her a sense of purpose for the first time in her life.

This was pretty much the extent of her conversations with Mariah over the last three weeks. Finding time to talk was becoming increasingly difficult for both of them and when they did it was usually about Tessa’s career. It was almost like they were avoiding the topic of Them. Maybe they both felt like if they started talking about how much they missed each other they wouldn’t be able to carry out their sentence apart. As far as Tessa was concerned, she had to pack those feelings safely away. It was the only way she could get through the tour. And truthfully, she didn’t want to just “get through” the tour. She wanted to enjoy it, soak it all in, truly live it. This is what she had wanted her entire life. When her father came home drunk and took his anger out on her, when her mother disappeared for weeks at a time, when those men ... this was her escape. This experience right here was the fantasy that her mind went to. She was now living in her younger self’s happy place.

Now her younger self’s happy place was about to merge with her current self’s happy place. She and the other acts were booked to play the San Francisco Music Festival and as much as Tessa tried to keep her mind firmly on her music, thoughts of Mariah would inevitably be first and foremost. Mariah had even arranged for Tessa to stay in the same room where they shared their first kiss, a sweet gesture, Tessa thought, but also a bit torturous. She didn’t want to be in that room not kissing Mariah. As she stepped in, she felt the presence of two younger versions of them, admitting their love and feeling each other for the first time, however brief.

“I hate that you’re not here,” Tessa said to Mariah on one of their very short phone conversations. “I miss you so much.” Tessa couldn’t keep it in any longer. She only had a week left of the tour and she had to feel what she had been stifling. It felt good to purge these emotions to Mariah.

There was a short pause on the other end of the phone and Tessa wondered if they’d gotten cut off. “I miss you too,” Mariah finally said. Tessa felt she was holding back but refused to let her mind wander to a place of concern or overanalysis. She’d promised herself she wouldn’t read any subtext into their conversations and she didn’t want to start now.

“Are you going to any shows tonight?” Mariah asked, letting the moment pass them by.

Now it was Tessa’s turn to pause. “Don’t read into this Tessa. Don’t let your mind go there,” she thought to herself.

“Yeah, Sally and I are checking out the punk showcase.”

“Sally? Who the hell is Sally?” Mariah thought to herself on the other end of the line, even though she knew exactly who Sally was. She promptly let it go, knowing if she didn’t, her insecurities would shine through in her voice.

“Norwegian punk band?” Mariah asked, bringing it back to the night of their first kiss.

Tessa chuckled. “No, Faen Deg Veldig is not on the program this year.”

“Shame,” Mariah said, their conversation reaching a lull. They both searched for something to say, anything but all words felt insignificant at this point. Finally Mariah took the reins and said, “Well have fun tonight. I have a meeting I have to get to but call me when you get back?”

Tessa quietly sighed. “I will. I love you.”

“Love you too,” Mariah replied before she hung up.

Before Tessa had a chance to delve into why things were so awkward between them, there was a knock at the door. She opened it to a smiling Sally.

“Ready to go?” she asked as Tessa welcomed her in with a forced smile.

Sally was a tall redhead, toned, confident, and a super talented musician just about to leave these small venues behind and break out in a big way. That’s what Tessa thought, at least. The talented part, not the rest. She honestly hadn’t noticed Sally’s beauty or the fact that she flirted with her every time they were together. 

Sally picked up on Tessa’s demeanor. “What’s wrong?”

Tessa tried to shrug it off. “Nothing. I’m ready if you are.”

Tessa moved to the door but Sally gently touched her arm, stopping her. “Hey, what’s up?”

Tessa turned back towards Sally, holding back tears. Still trying to pull it off she replied, “Nothing. I just got off the phone with Mariah. Ready?”

Sally suspiciously eyed Tessa. “Didn’t go great did it?”

Tessa lowered her head and turned a bit, knowing tears were about to fall and she didn’t want to cry in front of her new friend. Sally placed a hand on Tessa’s shoulder, urging her to turn around. “Hey, Tess,” she said softly, “talk to me.”

Tessa turned toward her, a few tears about to fall. “I’m sorry. I really am fine. It’s just this distance. It’s really hard.”

“I know. But it’s almost over, right? One more week then you’ll be home and everything will be back to normal.”

Tessa wanted to believe her but she had her doubts. “Normal wasn’t that great before I left either. Things weren’t bad. But there was a distance between us even then.” Tessa paused for a moment to wipe her cheeks while Sally’s silence urged her to continue. “It’s funny. I was thinking about bailing on this tour completely. And now … there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to go home. Because I don’t know what’s waiting for me there.”

This thought caused more tears to fall much more easily this time. Sally wrapped her in a hug, stroking the back of her head. Tessa hadn’t felt comfort in a while and she eased into the embrace, resting her chin on Sally’s shoulder. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been hugged and that made her hold on a little tighter. She finally untangled herself from Sally’s arms, took a breath, and dried her eyes.

“You know what you need?” Sally offered. “You need a couple of beers and few hours of thrashing around to loud music.”

Tessa gave a small smile. “That’s exactly what I need.”

“Well let’s go!” Sally said, grabbing her hand and pulling her out of the room.

# \---------------------------------

Four hours and three beers later, Tessa was feeling better, having danced and bounced her sadness away. Arm-in-arm, she and Sally swayed along the hallway, both a little buzzed from the beer and the energy of the night. Tessa was feeling good for the first time since this tour started. She had grown friendly with Sally over the weeks but this was the first time she felt she had a friend and it was nice to have someone to talk to or just be silly with. They reached Tessa’s hotel room door and she dug through her purse for the key card.

“Do you want to get breakfast tomorrow before soundcheck?” Sally asked.

“Yeah, text me when you get up and we’ll figure something out.” Tessa found the keycard and was about to put it into the door slot.

“Thanks for coming out with me tonight. I’m glad you had fun.”

“I did,” Tessa replied. “Thank you for giving me a reason to leave my room tonight.”

“Anytime,” Sally said with a charming smile.

Tessa slid the card into the slot, opened the door a few inches before she said her goodbyes. “I’ll see you at breakfast tomorrow.”

“Have a good night,” Sally told her before heading off to her own room.

Tessa opened the door the rest of the way and wasn’t quite sure what she was seeing. Candlelight blazed through the room, shadows of dozens of roses peeked through the darkness, and standing before her was Mariah. She looked at Tessa with love in her eyes and a giant smile on her face.

“You might want to cancel those breakfast plans,” was all Mariah could say before Tessa pounced on her, lips first. She wrapped her arms around her neck, pulling her as close as she possibly could and excitedly kissed her. She managed to pull her lips from Mariah’s long enough to ask, “What are you doing here?” but before Mariah could answer, Tessa kissed her again then said, “I don’t care. Tell me later.”

Tessa had already started unbuttoning Mariah’s shirt then pulled off her own t-shirt. They finished undressing each other as they moved towards the bedroom. They fell into bed, holding tightly to each other, feeling their skin pressed together, both feeling exhilaration and absolute peace at the same time. Tessa’s mouth explored Mariah’s body as if it was new to her, something foreign and wonderful. Mariah held onto her love, touching her, kissing her, loving her. They made love silently, both of them aware they hadn’t been able to use their words lately and any talk would ruin this perfect moment. Right now they were together, completely in sync. This was them, the way they were supposed to be and they both reveled in this perfect moment in time. 

# \---------------------------------

A small stream of sun shone over Tessa’s face causing her eyelids to flutter. She made a grumpy face as she slowly transitioned from dreaming to waking. Quickly, though, Tessa’s annoyance changed when she felt a tickle of red hair against her cheek and the weight of Mariah’s head on her chest. They had fallen asleep in each other’s arms and Tessa was amazed at the euphoric feeling of waking up with Mariah holding onto her, needing her even in sleep. Tessa leaned down and gently pressed her lips to Mariah’s forehead. As much as she loved watching her sleep, Tessa wanted Mariah to wake up and experience this with her. This was the greatest feeling a human could ever know: waking up to love. Mariah had to get in on this. Tessa wanted that for her. 

“Mariah,” Tessa gently cooed, carefully pulling her out of sleep. She kissed her forehead again and Mariah stirred. Her eyes slowly peeled open and she stared at the loving face looking down at her. They smiled at each other and Mariah shifted so she could kiss Tessa. 

“Mm, good morning,” Mariah replied, feeling that same sense of euphoria. 

Maybe it was being together last night or maybe it was the high of waking up together but they both felt a shift and they were no longer afraid of their words. They felt safe talking, knowing things were right in this moment. 

“How did you sleep?” Mariah asked, her fingers dancing along Tessa’s stomach. 

“I haven’t slept that well in weeks,” she said, gliding her fingertips along Mariah’s arm. 

They shared a silent moment then Tessa’s curiosity caught up with her. 

“So why are you here?”

“To do that?” Mariah smiled, referencing their night together. 

Tessa kissed her, remembering all the ways they had touched each other, loved each other. As they both deepened the kiss, Tessa’s phone buzzed. She reluctantly turned to the nightstand to look at her phone. 

“Is that Sally?” Mariah asked, letting the woman’s name ooze out of her mouth like drying molasses. 

Tessa smirked at Mariah’s jealousy. “Yes. I’m just canceling breakfast with her,” she explained as she typed on her phone. Once that was taken care of, Tessa placed the phone back on the night stand and shifted her body to lie on her side so she and Mariah were face to face.

“So ... Sally, huh?”

“We’re friends.”

“She’s a redhead.”

“I did notice that.”

This chess match discussion remained friendly and flirty, never veering into jealous confrontation. It was their comfortable banter and they both leaned into it. 

“She’s pretty,” Mariah observed. 

Tessa lifted an eyebrow. “You think she’s pretty?”

“I mean, objectively speaking she’s not unattractive.”

“Objectively speaking,” Tessa said with a soft kiss, “she’s got nothing on you.”

Mariah enjoyed the kiss but was enjoying their flirty banter more. It was like old times and she wasn’t ready to let it end. “I’m just saying, you have a type.”

Tessa stroked her girlfriend’s hair. “My type is Mariah. And it’s not your hair or your dimples.” She touched Mariah’s cheek forcing a smile to produce said dimples. “It’s you. It’s always been you.”

Mariah sighed, content. 

“That’s good because there’s actually another reason I came here.”

Before Tessa could ask, Mariah rolled over to the nightstand and dug around in her purse. She rolled back over to Tessa, holding out to her a small velvet box. Tessa breathlessly looked at the box and back up to Mariah. They held each other’s eyes, understanding the importance of this moment. Finally, with trembling hands Tessa took the box and slowly opened it. Inside was a modest but elegant diamond ring. 

“Mariah,” Tessa quivered, tears in her eyes. 

Mariah placed a hand on Tessa’s cheek. “Marry me?” She asked, nervous, as if Tessa could possibly say no. 

Tessa was overcome with emotion and all she could do was let herself consciously feel the loving touch on her cheek and commit this symbolic moment to permanent memory. 

Mariah continued. “I know we’ve talked about it but we haven’t made it official. So ... I wanted to do that. Make it official.” Mariah felt like she was blowing this. Even though Tessa had turned her into a romantic sap, she still wasn’t good at this sort of thing. She thought it best to stop saying words and instead she silently waited, for what felt like a century, for Tessa’s answer. 

A small tear streamed down Tessa’s face. “Yes.”

Mariah’s face lit up. “Yes?”

“Yes. Yes! Of course I’ll marry you!” 

Tessa grabbed the back of Mariah’s neck and pulled her into a strong kiss, confirming to her love that there was no doubt. They were forever.

With shaky hands, Mariah pulled the ring from its box and placed it on Tessa’s finger. They promised their love to each other in a kiss that deepened. Nothing had really changed but everything was different. They now had a new foundation to stand on and they allowed themselves to truly relax in each other’s touch. They both privately felt a relief that they would be okay.

# \---------------------------------

Later that afternoon, Tessa had to go to soundcheck and Mariah met with a few clients. Despite their morning where they were the only two people in the world, they both still had jobs to do. They found time to check in with each other throughout the day, texting updates or just sweet sentiments. They were back in their rhythm and everything felt right.

That evening as Tessa sat backstage tuning her guitar she felt a sense of calm knowing Mariah would be there tonight, watching her, cheering her on. She loved performing in any capacity but it was always so much greater when she looked out into a crowd and saw her best friend and biggest fan.

As Tessa took the stage, she felt empowered. People were cheering. For her and for her music. Her girlfriend … her fiancé was in the audience and she felt this would be her greatest performance. She opened with an upbeat tune and the crowd was enjoying it. Mariah stood in the back by the bar and lovingly gazed at Tessa with pride and encouragement. Tessa could feel Mariah’s energy and the passion came through in her music. After she finished and the applause died down, Tessa greeted the crowd.

“Thank you so much! It’s great to be back in San Francisco. This festival holds a special place in my heart.”

She re-tuned her guitar then looked to the back of the club. “This one’s for Mariah.”

Tessa strummed the opening of “When I see You” as she and Mariah locked eyes.

Halfway through the song, Tessa noticed Mariah’s attention being stolen by a man who had approached her. He was an executive type, fancy suit and too much hair product. He and Mariah spoke while Tessa finished her dedication. They continued to speak through two more of Tessa’s songs. She had lost Mariah’s attention completely so she decided to play a new song, one she wasn’t sure was quite ready but it’s what she was feeling in the moment. 

“This is something new,” Tessa announced.

This was a sad song Tessa had written on the road when she felt that she might be losing Mariah. It was everything she couldn’t say to her. Playing it was like a plea to regain Mariah’s attention.

As she played the heartbreaking tune, Tessa felt like screaming into the microphone, “Mariah! Listen to these words!” She thought if Mariah would just hear the song she would know everything she was feeling. Why was it that she could only show Mariah how happy she was when they were in bed together? Why could she only tell Mariah how sad she was in a song? What had happened to them? Why weren’t they communicating? Just hours earlier they were the happiest they had ever been and now Tessa felt that the good times were fleeting and the bad times were slowly becoming the norm.

Tessa sadly finished the song, noting that Mariah never looked up once, never acknowledged the lyrics, much less that this was a new song. She had always been so excited to hear her new music but now there was no interest at all.

A few shows prior, Tessa and Sally started performing a song together, a way to transition between the two performers. As they got to know each other they started working together and their collective sound was magnificent. 

“Now I want to bring Sally up to join me.” The crowd cheered. She was the main draw to this show. For the first time since Tessa sang “When I See You” Mariah paid attention to the performance.

Sally joined Tessa on stage, guitar in hand. Mariah watched them hug and she ordered a third vodka soda. The performance was fantastic, Mariah had to admit. Their harmonies blended together beautifully and they were connected while they played. Professionally, Mariah should have been pleased but personally, she was seething. Tessa and Sally had chemistry and she didn’t like it.

Mariah downed her drink and left the club to get some air. Tessa’s face fell when she saw Mariah walk out but she soldiered on, refusing to let that affect her performance. 

# \---------------------------------

After the show, all of the performers hung out backstage for a while, a bonding ritual they had all gotten used to and were determined to keep up until the end of the tour. Tessa sat on the couch checking her phone. There were no messages from Mariah. No update on where she was or even a word about her set. Sally sat next to her and handed her a beer.

“I see things are better between you and Mariah.”

Tessa was confused by this statement, given her thoughts just seconds earlier. Sally nodded her head at the ring on Tessa’s finger. “Oh, right,” Tessa thought to herself, “we’re engaged now.”

“Yes, much better. We’re so good,” Tessa lied.

# \---------------------------------

Much later that night, Tessa entered her hotel room. The unlit candles were still set up, the roses, now a little wilted were scattered around. But no Mariah to be found. Tessa was tired and just wanted to go to bed. Still, she needed to know where her fiancé was so she sent her a text. Just then the door clicked and Mariah walked in. Her phone dinged, she checked it then looked up at Tessa. “I’m right here,” she forced a smiled.

Tessa’s smile back was also forced. Here they were again, uncomfortable and polite.

“Where did you go tonight? You left before my set ended.”

“I had to meet with a client.”

“Oh,” was all Tessa could say.

Mariah went to the minibar and poured some vodka in a glass. Tessa watched her, wondering when she had started drinking vodka straight.

As she sipped the liquid Mariah said, “You and Sally sound great together. You two should collaborate on something.” This wasn’t said in the same playful teasing as earlier but instead was more of a pointed challenge.

“Maybe we will,” Tessa replied, playing the game Mariah had set up. When things got like this, neither one of them seemed to know how to deescalate or simply put a stop to it. They just kept going. Tessa was too tired to continue. “I’m beat. Are you coming to bed?”

“In a minute,” Mariah replied, setting up her laptop on the desk. “I have some work to do.”

And that was that. No more words were spoken between them. Mariah silently worked while Tessa silently got ready for bed. She fell asleep without Mariah in her arms. In the morning, they would say their goodbyes before the sun was up, both of them needing to get out of San Francisco and onto the next thing. Mariah and Tessa would try their best but the goodbye would be forced and strained and they would both assure themselves that it was only one more week and then everything would be back to normal, both hoping that their normal was still a good thing.


	3. Chapter 3

It had been two months since Tessa returned home from the tour and initially things were really wonderful between her and Mariah. They started making plans for their wedding even though they still had no idea when it might be. Mariah had been getting the hang of a work-life balance and they spent quality time together. But after a few weeks, things started to falter again. One week, they would go days without really seeing each other. A week later, they would spend hours together, talking, laughing, making love. Then the next week they were back to missing each other. It was a roller coaster that kept coming back around just often enough to prevent them from ever really confronting their problems. So they just kept going, both internally becoming increasingly frustrated, insecure, and bitter.

For the last few weeks, one of them always went to bed alone. Some nights Tessa would get home from the studio at three in the morning and slip into bed without disturbing Mariah. But more often than not, it was Mariah coming home late, clumsily falling into bed, always smelling of booze. 

Tessa decided to put her energy into her music. She thought it might keep her from obsessing and analyzing her relationship. The only problem was, all of her new songs were about Mariah. And they were all incredibly sad, as was pointed out to her during a late-night recording session.

“Hey, is everything okay?” Ana asked as Tessa came in from the sound booth. Tessa took a seat next to her at the mixing board.

“Yeah. Why, was that last take not good? I can do it again if you want. I just thought if I --” Tessa started to panic.

Ana held up her hand to stop her. “No, it sounded great. It’s just -- I’ve noticed a theme with all these new songs.”

Tessa shifted in the chair. “Do you think we should make that last one a little more upbeat?”

Ana cocked her head. “Tessa, I’m not giving you notes. I’m asking as a friend.” Ana gave her a long look. “How are you and Mariah doing?”

Tessa considered her answer, carefully weighing her words. When she took a little too long to form a response, Ana bailed her out. “It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it. I just want you to know I’m here if you do.”

Tessa smiled at her friend. She appreciated the safe space and decided she needed to take advantage of the kind offer. “When I got back things were so good. But then they weren’t. And then they were again.” Tessa struggled to explain it.

Ana nodded for her to continue.

Tessa sighed. “There’s a disconnect, which we’ve never had before. Even when things were bad between us, in our friendship or our relationship, we were always connected deep down.” Tessa tried to think of another way to say it but she couldn’t quite figure it out.

“You know what, Tessa? This sounds normal.”

“Well, that’s a frightening thought.”

“No, it’s just a transition. You’ve got bigger things going on in your lives besides just each other. There will be moments of disconnect but it sounds like you still come together. And that’s what’s important. You’ll figure it out.”

Tessa considered Ana’s somewhat generic but helpful advice. They did always seem to find their way back to each other. And this was a transition for them. Tessa considered mentioning the drinking but wasn’t sure if she should talk about it with anyone else before bringing it up to Mariah. Having been through this before, she was certain she knew the signs but also thought maybe she was projecting, given her past. Mariah was nothing like Tessa’s family and the people she knew back in Chicago. Mariah was in her own transition, figuring things out. Tessa knew sometimes a little liquid courage went a long way. She didn’t have to worry about Mariah. She was fairly certain of this.  


# \---------------------------------

Tessa returned home from the studio a little after midnight. She was exhausted from writing and rewriting and working with Ana on what seemed to be her entire music catalogue. They were having great sessions and making real progress on the new album but it was taxing. These songs Tessa had written came from a dark place, a place full of fear - fear of losing Mariah, losing everything. If she hadn’t been in that place earlier, working on those songs certainly put her there.  
As she got ready for bed, she tried to think of something else. She had a happy little section in her mind reserved for such times, like when she was on the road. She thought of all the things she and Mariah would do during their lifetime together, the trips they would take, the home they would create. She even thought about their family. They hadn’t talked about that much at all but she knew Mariah wanted a family. Tessa loved the idea of Mariah as a mother, so kind and understanding. If they could just get back on track, this fantasy would eventually be their life.

She wasted little time getting ready for bed. Mariah wasn’t home yet, which was common these days and tonight Tessa wasn’t bothered by her absence. She was in a strange headspace and just wanted a little quiet around her as she went to sleep. Tessa needed to take care of herself if she was going to make the album she wanted and, more importantly, be a good partner to Mariah. When they went through a bad week, the first thing Tessa did was look inward. What had she done wrong? How could she be better? It was always easier to blame herself than other people. So she was going to take care of herself and be good for herself and for Mariah.  
Tessa slipped into bed and placed her head on the pillow and in minutes felt the heaviness of sleep waft over her. She reached for a happy memory to carry her the rest of the way. Tessa thought about a day they had spent together early last week. They never properly dressed, never left the apartment. Many hours were spent in bed, talking, watching movies, exploring each other’s thoughts, each other’s bodies. Mariah managed to squeeze a little bit of work in while Tessa tooled away on her music. Mariah asked her to play one of her new songs and while Tessa really had only sad songs to choose from, she sang one about missing Mariah while she was on the road. Melancholy, yes, but it was also sweet and Mariah’s eyes teared up when she heard it, not entirely out of sadness but also just the sheer emotion of it. She could hear all of Tessa’s feelings for Mariah, her entire heart in that one song. When Tessa finished, Mariah kissed her and thanked her for loving her so much. Then she swore they’d never again be apart for so long.  
Just as Tessa was about to release the last remaining shred of lucid thought, she heard the door open and close. Mariah was home. She didn’t like the feeling she had upon hearing Mariah’s return. She always used to be so excited, tired or not. Tessa loved the moment right before she saw her, the anticipation of falling in love all over again. Even during the weeks when things were strangled between them, she still felt a familiar jolt when Mariah came home. It felt like every small reunion was an opportunity to make things solid again. “Maybe this is the moment everything will make sense again,” Tessa would think to herself.

Tonight, however, Tessa felt something foreign. Was it dread? Annoyance? She wasn’t quite sure but chalked it up to being exhausted and left it at that. As hard as Tessa tried to once more grab hold of sleep, she could hear Mariah downstairs. She was stumbling around, loudly tossing her bag on the table. Tessa could hear her rooting around in the refrigerator, knocking around dishes, wandering about. She could tell Mariah had been drinking and she really wasn’t in the mood to talk to her in this state. She remembered back to when Mariah was a cute, harmless drunk, telling Tessa how much she loved her, confiding her feelings that were really no secret at all. She was the same sweet Mariah, just a little wobbly. Tessa couldn’t recall exactly when the change happened but now when Mariah drank, she wasn’t cute. There was a bitterness that Tessa had never seen in her. Almost anger, like snark concentrate. Fortunately, it didn’t take long for Mariah to wear herself out in that state and she would fall asleep very quickly, allowing Tessa some peace.

Tonight, while listening to Mariah’s ruckus downstairs, Tessa wasn’t sure how much Mariah had to drink and how quickly she would fall asleep. For the first time, Tessa pretended to be asleep when she heard Mariah clomp up the stairs. The door opened and light from the hallway streamed in. Tessa kept her back to the door, trying to remain still. She just wanted to sleep. She heard Mariah pause in the doorway, assumingly watching Tessa for signs for life. Seeing none, Mariah staggered to the bathroom. Tessa heard the water running for a moment then Mariah's return to the bedroom and she could tell she was changing into her pajamas. She heard a struggle with an article of clothing and Tessa couldn’t help but smirk, imagining how cute that must look.  
Finally Tessa felt Mariah settle into bed beside her and she felt her own body relax, certain that she could finally get some rest. But then she felt Mariah hovering over her.

“Baby,” Mariah cooed. “Are you awake?”

Tessa considered staying silent but knew Mariah would probably just keep talking to her until she answered.

“No,” Tessa groggily croaked. 

Mariah smiled, leaned down, and kissed Tessa’s neck softly. Her lips grazed up to her ear. She breathed heavily, “I want you.”

Tessa let out a soft, tired whimper and halfway rolled over to very closely face Mariah. 

“I’m so tired right now,” she almost whined. 

Still convinced she could win over her girlfriend, Mariah’s lips held a tight grip on Tessa’s earlobe and pulled gently as she whispered, “And I’m so wet right now.”

While Tessa shivered with desire, she was still too tired to think and had little interest in sex with a drunk Mariah.  
“No, baby, tomorrow. I can’t even keep my eyes open.”

Tessa rolled back over, satisfied that that was settled. 

Skeptical of her protests, Mariah sneaked her arm over Tessa and reach up under her t-shirt.  
“You can keep your eyes closed if you want.” Mariah found Tessa’s small breast. 

“Mariah,” Tessa sighed, annoyed. 

Mariah then swung her leg over Tessa and straddled her, both hands now up her shirt, rubbing her breasts. 

“Mariah.” Tessa was more stern this time, resolute. 

Tessa felt Mariah’s weight on her and for the first time it seemed heavy. Mariah lifted Tessa’s shirt up for better access to her body. The fabric folded up around Tessa’s chin and even though it wasn’t choking her, she felt like she was drowning. She looked down her body at Mariah. She was smiling and looked at her hungrily. Tessa’s heart raced and panic started to set in. She hadn’t felt this kind of anxiety since ...

“Mariah!”

Mariah slid her hand down inside Tessa’s panties, seeking her out.

“Get off me!!”

Mariah stopped, startled. Confused, she looked up at Tessa. “Wha ...?” Mariah took her hands off of her fiancé. She slowly sat up as Tessa backed up, digging as far into the headboard as she could, folding inside herself. She pulled her shirt back down, covering her body. She wriggled her legs, making Mariah get off her. Mariah moved to sit next to Tessa who now sat stiff and unable to look at her. She kept tugging at the bottom of her t-shirt, trying to stretch it to cover more of herself. 

“I’m sorry,” Mariah said with every intention of meaning it but she still wasn’t sure what had happened. Her head was swimming from all the alcohol. She didn’t entirely understand what was going on or why Tessa was so upset. To make her point Mariah reached out to touch Tessa’s shoulder. 

“Hey,” Mariah said gently but Tessa recoiled at her touch. She then hopped off the bed to put some distance between her and Mariah. She was small now, afraid in her own home. 

Again. 

“I’m ... I’m gonna sleep in the guest bedroom tonight.”

Mariah tilted her head but made no protest. “Oh. Okay.” The room started spinning for Mariah and she needed to lie down. She fell backwards onto her pillow and was out. Just like that. Tessa looked at her for a moment, unsure who this person was. With her eyes trained on Mariah, Tessa slowly backed out of their bedroom. As she reached the doorway she paused, thought a moment, and sighed. She carefully approached a snoring Mariah, sleeping as if nothing had happened. She placed her hands on the shoulders of her very drunk fiancé and rolled her onto her side. Tessa turned and quietly left the room. 

Once in the guest bedroom, Tessa didn’t bother turning on the light. She pulled back the covers and after a moment of consideration she walked to the door and closed it. She stood for a minute, hand still on the doorknob, replaying what had just happened. She thought of the way Mariah felt on top of her, this sudden stranger looking at her. Tessa had been terrified in that moment. And … Mariah was _smiling_.

Tessa turned the lock on the door. Her eyes began to moisten with tears as she slunk over to the bed. She climbed in, laid down, and pulled her knees as tightly as she could to her chest. A tear slipped down her cheek, making a small wet dot on her pillow. That was about all there was. She was too exhausted and too frightened to cry. She thought of Mariah in their bed, sleeping soundly while she, on the other hand, kept a tense hold of herself and listened for a jiggling of the doorknob. She wouldn’t sleep tonight.


	4. Chapter 4

Tessa woke and before she opened her eyes, she stretched her arms out beside her, reaching for Mariah. This habit developed shortly after they started regularly sharing a bed. The muscle memory remained while she was on tour. Every morning she reached for Mariah and felt no one, ensuring that her first thought of every day was missing her love.

This morning when Tessa didn’t feel Mariah in bed next to her, she was confused. She groggily pried open an eye and examined her surroundings. Tessa didn’t know where she was at first but then the memory of the night before came rushing back.

Mariah had tried to …

It was a flash and Tessa shook her head, hoping to completely wipe her mind of that moment. She didn’t want this one; it couldn’t stay. She didn’t even know how to make a place in her brain for negative memories of Mariah. 

Tessa kept still for a moment, her eyes trained on the bedroom door, the doorknob, the lock. She remembered locking the door last night. _She locked the door to keep Mariah out._ That didn’t seem right. Surely she had dreamt it. But then why was she sleeping in the guest bedroom with the door locked? Last night had happened, she realized. It was real and suddenly Tessa was afraid of Mariah all over again. She listened for any movement past the door, any sign that Mariah was out of bed. It was silent save for Tessa’s protests from the night before echoing in her head.

She reached for her phone on the nightstand. It was early, just before 7:00. Mariah had become an early riser since she started her new position at Power. She had somehow transformed into one of those chipper, doesn’t-really-need-caffeine kind of morning people. She was suddenly very driven and very excited to start every new day. There were, of course, exceptions to this version of Mariah. After she drank, Mariah slept it off hard and rarely rose before noon. Tessa had noticed the pattern. She often scheduled after hours client meetings on Friday nights. If they were during the week, she made sure to bring everything from the office so she could work from home the next day. It was as if Mariah was scheduling getting drunk in her calendar. Tessa had always wondered what those meetings were like, how wild they got, if Mariah made a fool of herself. She never asked about it, never brought up the drinking.

While she knew Mariah would be completely out, Tessa was still careful to make as little noise as she could when she got out of bed, unlocked the door, and crept through the hallway. She slowly approached their bedroom and through the doorway she saw Mariah, still on her side where Tessa had left her the night before. She was snoring and oblivious to Tessa watching her. 

This wasn’t the same woman who was in their bed last night, Tessa was certain of that. She’d never met that woman before and could never have imagined that version of Mariah even existing. She’d told Tessa stories about her past but there was so much remorse for the things she had done. Mariah had made mistakes but she wasn’t a bad person.

Tessa considered this while she watched her fiancé sleep. 

_Her fiancé._

“Mariah and I are engaged,” Tessa thought to herself. 

Since Mariah had proposed in San Francisco, Tessa had to keep reminding herself of this. She had been thrilled at the idea of spending her life with Mariah. She looked forward to a day when they would vow to love each other forever, dance all night, eat cake. She very much wanted this. She just hadn’t expected it to ever be a reality. Not just with the struggles she and Mariah went through to get here but also everything Tessa had been through in her own life. She shuddered, remembering her childhood, the things that had happened to her. A frightening thought popped up. What if her life was just circling back around? Was she destined to have this happen again and again, people treating her like she’s nothing? Was she nothing? Did Mariah think that?

No. Tessa shook her head, knowing that couldn’t possibly be true. This isn’t the same thing. Mariah wasn’t them. She’s _not_ them. Mariah is good. Although, Tessa did wonder why this was happening again. Was it something she was doing? Was she attracting this kind of chaos? Was this her fault?

She had to get out of the apartment. She knew Mariah would still be asleep for hours but the energy in the room was too much. Tessa was too far into her thoughts and they were suffocating her. She felt tense and needed air. She quietly grabbed some clothes from the closet and her notebook from the nightstand. She dressed in the guest bedroom just to be safe. 

“Just to be safe?” Tessa was stunned at what she had just thought. She couldn’t believe any of the thoughts she had since she’d woken up. She definitely needed to get out of there.

# \---------------------------------

Tessa arrived at Crimson Lights, notepad in hand. As she approached the counter, Sharon turned around and greeted her with a smile. After their history, Tessa was glad she and Sharon were in a good place again. She was Mariah’s mother so it was important they get along. More than that, though, they’d had a personal relationship, had even been friends before and Tessa was happy they seemed to be on a path to possibly getting back there.

“Hey, Tessa,” Sharon greeted. “You’re out early this morning.”

Tessa formed a closed mouth smile and held up her notepad. “Writing session.”

Sharon mimicked a serious face. “Of course.” She handed Tessa her coffee.

“Thanks,” she said, about to turn and leave. She noticed Sharon was about to say something else so she paused.

“Is everything alright?”

Sharon had always been good at picking up on these things. Although, Tessa suspected, despite their unspoken reconciliation, she surmised Sharon would always be waiting for her relationship with Mariah to fall apart. Sharon may have been rooting for them but Tessa was certain that deep down, she was waiting for Tessa to screw things up, make another big mistake. She supposed the prediction was fair.

“Everything’s great,” Tessa maintained her cordial smile. “Yeah, Ana and I have been working day and night on the album. I just need to finish writing this last song.”

“Oh, well, don’t let me keep you.”

Tessa smiled a bit wider as she took her coffee to a table on the patio. She sat staring at nothing, writing nothing and she knew she was really there to think. She could only imagine what kind of song she would write this morning had she actually intended on doing so.

She had just lied to Sharon. Again. It felt so natural. It even felt good, if she was being honest with herself. She was good at it. Lying was something she’d done her entire life, especially when it came to her feelings. She was a liar and maybe she always would be. People don’t change.

In fact, Tessa had lied to Mariah last night, pretending to be asleep when she came home. She was too tired to have a conversation with her fiancé? Maybe if she hadn’t done that then Mariah wouldn’t have …

Tessa also considered the idea that she was projecting. Mariah really didn’t drink that often. When she did, it was a little too much but she was probably still just gauging her own limits. Tessa knew what substance abuse looked like and she was certain that a control-freak like Mariah would never allow that to happen. Mariah wasn’t her parents and Tessa wasn’t going to project her past onto her.

She replayed the night before in her head, changing the way she had behaved. In this scenario, she greeted Mariah when she got home. They had a conversation and she helped Mariah get ready for bed. She told her how tired she was and Mariah understood and then they went to sleep. Happy.

"I shouldn’t have pretended with Mariah. I shouldn’t have done that.”

# \---------------------------------

Around 11:30 that morning, Mariah’s bladder woke her up. She tried to hold onto sleep a little bit longer but her body vetoed that idea and her eyes strained to open, the light screaming in her brain. She had been getting used to the hangovers over the months. Feeling lousy in the morning was her new normal and she had become accustomed to it. She reached her hand out beside her on the bed, feeling for Tessa, who was not there. She looked at the clock on the nightstand and saw how late it was. She couldn’t expect Tessa to still be in bed at 11:30 but there was a time when one wouldn’t get out of bed without the other. They would wake each other with kisses, touches, a soft “good morning”. She wondered if those days were gone for good. 

Mariah got up and started her morning routine. She was looking forward to today, to spending some time with Tessa. She’d cleared her entire weekend so they could be together. As she walked down the hall, she passed the guest bedroom and something caught her eye. She stopped, stepped back and looked inside. The bed was unmade and some of Tessa’s clothes were scattered on the floor. 

“Did Tessa sleep in here last night?” Mariah thought to herself. “Was I snoring?”

Just then a flash hit her.

“Get off me!” Tessa had yelled at her last night. She was frightened. 

Mariah shook her head, trying to connect the shattered pieces of her memory. No. Tessa would never be frightened of her. They’d had … a fight? An argument? 

_”Get off me!”_

“Was this playful banter?” Mariah couldn’t remember. But she had a bad feeling and couldn’t quite understand why.

_Get off me!_

Mariah couldn’t remember and she wasn’t even going to try. She would ask Tessa about it when she got downstairs. She hoped there would still be pancakes. Tessa always made her pancakes on Saturdays and she felt a craving come on the more she thought of them. They were terrible but she loved them.

When she reached the main floor there was no sign of Tessa. She noticed that her keys were gone but there was no note. Tessa always left a note. Mariah decided to text her to ask where she was and waited for a response while she made coffee.

# \---------------------------------

That afternoon, Tessa wandered around Chancellor Park a bit aimlessly. She knew she was avoiding home. She had received a text from Mariah a few hours earlier and had no idea how to respond. Mariah probably wanted to talk, apologize for last night. Tessa didn’t want to get into it over text and decided not to respond. She didn’t like ignoring Mariah. It didn’t feel right. She wondered if avoidance is what put her in this position in the first place. She hadn’t confronted their problems. She needed to do better. When she got home, she would hear Mariah out. What had happened the night before was a misunderstanding. They would both apologize and things would be okay. 

# \---------------------------------

That evening Mariah still hadn’t heard from Tessa. She’d even called Ana to see if they were working in the studio together. Ana seemed surprised that Mariah didn’t know where Tessa was and she didn’t like that at all. She didn’t want people in her business. She had always been a private person and while she was happy to scream at the top of her lungs that she loved Tessa Porter, she didn’t want anyone thinking they were having problems. Because they were fine. 

They would be fine.

Mariah decided to make dinner. She was sure Tessa would be home any minute and she wanted to cook for her, salvage what she could of this lost Saturday. They rarely had this kind of time to spend together and Mariah was feeling hurt that Tessa wouldn’t want to take advantage when it arose. But they could still have a romantic evening. That is, if Tessa would just come home.

Mariah poured some vodka into a glass and pulled things out of the refrigerator. While Tessa was on tour, Mariah took a few cooking classes, just to get the basics down. Neither of them was exactly skilled in the kitchen and Mariah wanted to be able to cook dinner for Tessa once in a while. She liked this domestic feeling, which surprised the hell out of her.

Between Mariah’s second and third drink she must have checked her phone 50 times, looking for a response from Tessa. Dinner was about ready and she still hadn’t heard from her. She was starting to get worried when she heard the click of the front door. She looked up from the stove to see Tessa enter and Mariah felt relieved.

“Hey,” Mariah smiled. “Dinner’s almost ready.”

Tessa slowly walked into the living room and placed her notebook down on the arm of the sofa. “Hey,” she replied tentatively. 

Picking up on Tessa’s uneasiness, Mariah turned off the stove, and grabbed her drink. She joined Tessa in the living room. “But it can wait. Do you want to talk?”

Tessa was prepared for this. After wandering around town all day, she was ready to fix things with Mariah. She let her go first.

“Look, I’m sorry about last night. I don’t remember much about it but I’m sorry you had to sleep in the other bedroom. Was I obnoxious? I get obnoxious when I drink. I hope you slept okay.”

Tessa took a small step back and balanced herself. Mariah’s cavalier demeanor almost knocked her backwards. This “apology” shifted something in Tessa and every excuse she had made for Mariah completely vanished. Mariah didn’t remember a thing from last night. Tessa had been in hell trying to erase the memory of Mariah on top of her, taking from her, oblivious to her protests. Tessa finally acknowledged without any doubt that what happened the night before was not okay.

“Obnoxious?” Tessa asked incredulously.

“Well, yeah,” Mariah started. “I’m sure I got a little annoying. And I’m sorry.”

Suddenly Tessa’s eyes started to well up and her face began to heat.

“Obnoxious,” she stated again. “Mariah, there are no words for what you were last night. You tried to …” Tessa couldn’t finish the sentence. While she was confident that she in no way owed Mariah an apology, she still wasn’t ready to go there. She still didn’t know what Mariah’s intentions had been. Tessa knew what it felt like but to state it as fact was something she’d never be able to take back.

“I tried to what?” Mariah asked, suddenly worried about what really happened.

“I can’t believe you don’t remember anything from last night.”

“I remember parts. Small parts.” Mariah’s voice raised a little and Tessa could tell that she still thought this was cute. She thought she was still an adorable drunk. 

“So you don’t remember that you almost …” Tessa still couldn’t say it. She wouldn’t say it.

“Almost what? Tessa, what did I almost do last night?”

Tessa remembered her shirt bunched up under her chin and an overpowering strength she had never before felt from Mariah. There had been a determination in her eyes that she was going to dominate her, take what she wanted from her.

_Get off me!_

Tessa shook her head. She needed that memory gone. She needed to turn the subject away from it. She couldn’t talk about it. She wasn’t ready.

“Mariah, you drank too much last night.”

“I know. And I’m sorry.” Mariah’s casual tone made Tessa want to scream. 

“No. You’re always drinking too much.”

Mariah scoffed at this. “Tessa, I had a few drinks with clients last night.”

“You had more than a few. You have more than a few drinks with clients all the time. You get home late and you’re barely coherent. You’re drinking too much and I don’t like it. It started before the tour but I know it got worse while I was gone.” Once Tessa finally said it out loud, it felt right. It didn’t feel like she was projecting. It felt like the truth and Mariah needed to hear it.

“Tessa, this is part of networking,” Mariah condescended. “It’s part of my business. You’re making a bigger deal out of it than it is.” Mariah realized the drink in her hand wasn’t helping her case. She turned and headed into the kitchen, downing it when her back was turned to Tessa. She felt a point come on and she stormed back into the living room to confront Tessa, glass still in hand.

“I missed you while you were gone.”

Tessa shook her head, unsure of the point Mariah was trying to make. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“It means something to me even if it doesn’t to you.”

“Mariah, what are you even talking about?”

Mariah stepped closer to Tessa, an accusatory look on her face. “I was here working and trying to set up a life for us and missing you every day. My heart literally hurt every time I went to bed without you there."

Tessa waited to see where this was going, although her patience was wearing thin.

“Meanwhile, you’re with Sally.” Mariah spit out the name, almost hoping to wound Tessa with it.

“Oh, my god, Mariah! This again? Sally’s my friend! I needed someone out on the road, someone to talk to.”

“Is that all you did? Talk?” Mariah accused, lifting her eyebrows, convinced she was right about this.

“You’re crazy. I’m not doing this with you.” Tessa turned to leave.

Mariah reached out her hand to stop her. “Yes, you are, Tessa. We need to talk about this.”

Both of them paused and caught each other’s eyes, fear between them. They looked down at Tessa’s arm and the tight grip Mariah’s hand had on it. They were both frozen in place, too stunned to move. Neither of them knew what to do with this moment. Tessa gathered her courage, something she was never able to do as a child.

“Take your hand of me.”

Mariah’s hand sprung off of Tessa’s arm as if it was on fire. She backed a way, not understanding what had just happened.

“I’m … sorry …”

“If you ever put your hands on me like that again, I swear to god --” Tessa couldn’t finish the threat. She never expected to say these words to her.

Mariah took a few more steps back, unable to counter. The tension in the air was unbearable as they stared each other down, both defensive, both afraid. Finally Tessa said, “I’m staying with Ana tonight.” She turned to go upstairs but Mariah tried to stop her, this time without using her hands.

“Tessa, don’t leave.” Her words were a plea but her ton was stern, commanding.

“I can’t be here with you right now.”

Mariah was at a loss. She had to do something but everything inside told her she was losing Tessa. She was afraid if Tessa walked out the door she might never come back. Mariah didn’t know how to live her life without Tessa. Emotions were bubbling up inside her, mixing badly with the alcohol. Frustration and anger filled every cell and she was suddenly unable to stop herself. Feeling the smooth glass still in her hand, she clenched it as hard as she could then hurled it against the wall. It made a loud crash and shattered into thousands of tiny pieces. 

And that was it. If any part of Tessa had wanted to stay, work things through, that part was gone. At this point, Tessa wasn’t even sure things could be fixed. She stood at the bottom of the staircase, hand on the rail and she stared at the sharp mess all over the dining room floor. She shifted her gaze to Mariah who also stared at the shattered glass. Wordlessly, she climbed the stairs and went to their bedroom. Again, she closed and locked the door. She stood in disbelief, her breath becoming shallow, her fingers shaking. She had to keep it together long enough to get out of the apartment. She grabbed a duffle bag from the closet and began stuffing random clothes into it. She barely noticed what she was grabbing. Her head was cloudy and she could hardly see through the tears in her eyes. She stopped for a moment and forced herself to take a few deep breaths. “Just get out of here,” she told herself. She quietly opened the bedroom door and peered out. It was quiet in the apartment and Tessa slowly made her way downstairs. She noticed that Mariah was now sitting on the floor in the kitchen, her knees pulled up. She was still staring at the broken glass in the dining room. She looked like a shell of herself, small and lost.

“I’ll clean it up,” was the only thing Mariah knew how to say in that moment.

Tessa gave her a long look. There was an aching need to run to her and hold her. She could see Mariah was in pain and she wanted to comfort her. But that need was greatly outweighed by the fear and anger Tessa felt.

"I don't care what you do,” she replied coldly as she slipped the engagement ring off her finger and set it on the coffee table. Duffle bag in hand, Tessa grabbed her notebook, guitar, and keys and left Mariah alone.


	5. Chapter 5

Mariah’s angle from the floor prevented her from seeing what Tessa was doing but when she placed something on the coffee table, the sound echoed in her ears along with the crashing of previously shattering glass. Tessa had taken off her ring and she’d left. She’d left her. Mariah couldn’t move, afraid anything she did at that point would be wrong. She looked into the dining room and every tiny piece of glass seemed to say, “What did you do?” A thousand voices in a chorus _What did you do?_

Mariah thought back on the last six months - her job, the new apartment, Tessa’s tour. Things had become more complicated, almost more so than when there were secrets and deception. This was more nuanced and frankly, trite. Perhaps they didn’t take these everyday problems as seriously as say, extortion. Maybe if they had, Mariah wouldn’t be sitting alone on their kitchen floor scared to death that she’d lost Tessa for good.

There was a change that happened and Mariah couldn’t pinpoint exactly when it was but there was definitely a shift and it had made her feel powerful. She considered herself a dream maker and liked helping her clients realize their potential and reach the highest level of success. She controlled the narrative of other people’s lives and that made her feel mighty.

So, yes, it changed her a little. It filled in some confidence cracks and quickly wiped away the imposter syndrome that had followed her into this new position. She was thriving and she absolutely loved it. If she had been honest with herself, it felt like falling in love. When she tried to find balance and make time for Tessa, it was a struggle not because she was too busy but because she _wanted_ to work. When she had dinner plans with Tessa, she wanted to cancel and stay in her office. When they were together and her phone rang, she didn’t have to answer it. She _wanted_ to answer it. She loved that she had finally found something she was good at. And so she felt guilty, like she was, in a way, cheating on Tessa. It wasn’t that she would have rather worked than spend time with her. It’s just that this was new and exciting. She got wrapped up in it and she knew Tessa would always be there, would understand. 

But maybe she should have actually explained all this to her. If they had just talked about it, maybe things wouldn’t have gotten to this point.

This point.

Broken glass on the floor. A bruise on Tessa’s arm. An abandoned ring.

Mariah lowered her head and sobbed.

# \---------------------------------

It had been two weeks since Tessa left the apartment. She hadn’t seen Mariah. Actually there had been no contact at all. Neither had reached out. Mariah wasn’t even managing her career anymore. She’d assigned that to someone else shortly after Tessa returned home from the tour. Something about drawing a personal and professional line. All Tessa saw it as was removing yet another thing that had at one time brought them together. She had to admit though, she was grateful for the distance from Mariah. She couldn’t imagine sitting down in her office and talking about her career, pretending none of these other things had happened between them. Right now, they needed space. And Tessa needed to focus on something else, specifically her music.

Thankfully, Ana was in work mode as well and they were spending day and night in the studio. There was an intoxicating creative energy in the air and Tessa had missed this feeling. It felt good to have something positive to cloak herself in so she wouldn’t wallow, overanalyze, and ultimately cry.

Things intensified when Sally was finally able to come in and record with her. They’d been planning a session to record their song together but could never get the timing right until now. Working with Sally and Ana was exactly how Tessa always imagined. They were all on the same page and she and Sally sounded great together. There were even moments when Tessa didn’t even think about Mariah. They were small moments but in those few second chunks, Tessa had a moment to breathe.

# \---------------------------------

Mariah stuffed a laptop and some papers into her bag and prepared to leave the office for the night. It was only 6:00 and her first thought was, “Maybe we’ll order in Thai and watch a movie tonight.” A forming smile slowly faded as she stopped and remembered there was no “we”. Not right now anyway. And maybe never again.

Then she realized that she had been leaving the office by 6:00 every night for the past week. When Tessa first left, she tried to bury herself in work but it didn’t take. Without Tessa around, she found no satisfaction in anything. This passion she had felt for her job had suddenly dissipated. She supposed one of the highs she got from her job was that it made Tessa proud of her. At least, she thought it made her proud. She wanted it to. Maybe that’s all she was ever trying to do - be worthy of Tessa and her love.

Mariah had spent so much time chasing Tessa, pining over her, feeling rejected time and time again. When she finally caught her she knew she would have to work like hell just to keep her. No matter how many times and ways Tessa told her she loved her, a part of Mariah still worried that this would all be temporary. She always felt the need to _try_ to keep Tessa in love with her.

Now that Tessa had left, she couldn’t really see the meaning in anything. She had worked so hard to make a life for them, one that Tessa couldn’t possibly leave. And then she left. Mariah had to work harder. She had to keep trying. Because there was no way she was going to live without Tessa.

She couldn’t call or text. Mariah knew she had to speak to Tessa face to face. They had to sit down and talk and she would just explain. She wasn’t exactly sure how yet or what she would say but the words would come. She knew all she had to do was see Tessa’s face and the words would come. She had originally planned on going to Ana’s but on a whim, she drove by the studio first. She knew Tessa would be in extreme creative mode right now. Her instincts were confirmed when she saw Tessa’s car in the parking lot. She pulled up next to it, took a breath and got out of the car. 

As she walked through the building she gave herself a little pep talk. This was Tessa. They were forever, meant to be, and all the other storybook clichés she never believed in until she fell in love. This was her moment to win her back. She reached the door and quietly poked her head in. Ana was at the mixing board and through the glass of the sound booth Mariah saw Tessa. Her eyes were closed as she sang and it was the most beautiful thing Mariah had ever seen. Her heart didn’t race but rather it started again. She felt a calm take over and she knew Tessa was all she needed to fix everything that was wrong with her, even the things she still didn’t quite understand. 

She was about to enter the room and take a seat when she realized there was a second voice that she didn’t recognize. Mariah’s eyes had been so trained on Tessa, she failed to notice Sally. Looking more broadly through the window, she watched the two of them sing a song that tore at Mariah’s ears. Tessa opened her eyes to look at Sally. They were now staring at each other, harmonizing and smiling. She was taken back to San Francisco when she saw the two of them on stage together, looking like best friends. Or lovers. Mariah couldn’t stay there. Any hope she had when she started this mission was gone. Tessa looked up as she was about to turn and leave. Their eyes met and held for a few seconds before Mariah dashed out.

Ever the professional, Tessa finished the song flawlessly then exited the sound booth with Sally behind her.

“That was amazing. I think we finally got it,” Ana praised.

“You don’t think one more?” Sally asked.

“No, it was perfect. Tessa, how did it feel to you?”

Tessa was distracted. She’d just seen Mariah for the first time in two weeks and once again, she was irrational, jealous of nothing.

“Tessa?” Ana asked again.

“What? Oh, no, it was great. I’m gonna head out.” Tessa replied, gathering up her things.

“Hey, Tess,” Sally said quietly, putting a hand on her shoulder, “everything okay?”

“Yeah, I’m just tired,” Tessa lied.

“Well, if you’re not too tired tomorrow night, do you want to get dinner?”

“Sure. Text me tomorrow,” Tessa noncommittally responded.

Tessa left in a rush, leaving the other two women alone.

“Good session today, yeah?” Sally said as she started to gather her own things, oblivious to Ana’s narrowing eyes.

“Sally, can I talk to you for a second?”

“Sure,” Sally said, quickly looking up from her guitar case. “What’s up?”

“Could you cool it with Tessa?”

“What do you mean?” Sally knew exactly what Ana meant.

“She’s with Mariah.”

Sally’s attention was now fully on the conversation. “Is she? The ring’s gone. She moved out. Doesn’t sound like they’re very together to me.”

“She didn’t move out. She’s just crashing with me for a few days.”

“A few _weeks_, not a few days.”

“Look, I don’t know what’s going to happen between them but they’re together now.” Sally was about to interject but Ana continued. “And if they do break up, you should still back off from Tessa.”

“And why is that?” Sally stepped to Ana. She didn’t like being told what to do.

“Because there’s a line,” Ana said, stepping right back to Sally. “And it’s behind me.”

# \---------------------------------

That night, Tessa sat on the bed in the spare room in Ana’s apartment. She was listening to one of her tracks, trying not to think about seeing Mariah, when her phone rang. The name that popped up was familiar but not at all expected. She suspiciously answered.

“Hello?”

“Tessa. It’s Nikki Newman.”

After a very long pause, Tessa managed to squeak out, “Hi.”

“I don’t know if it’s my place but I’m calling about Mariah.”

Tessa panicked. What had Mariah done? And why did her mind instantly assume that Mariah had done something. What if something had happened TO Mariah. Oh, god, what if something happened to Mariah?

“What happened?” Tessa finally managed to ask, afraid of the answer.

Nikki must have sensed the dread in Tessa’s voice. “She’s fine.” Tessa audibly exhaled upon hearing this. “And honestly, this really isn’t any of my business but … “ Nikki took a moment. Tessa could tell Nikki was carefully choosing her words. “Tessa, I’m at Society. Mariah has been here for quite a while. You should come.”

The relief Tessa felt was fleeting, replaced with irritation and disappointment. When she had left the apartment, it wasn’t about teaching Mariah a lesson. She had been legitimately scared of her and she knew she couldn’t stay there. But still, she’d hoped this might open Mariah’s eyes. She certainly hadn’t expected complete silence from her for two weeks. This wasn’t a test. At least, Tessa didn’t think it was a test. It wasn’t supposed to be anyway. 

Was it? Was she testing Mariah? Was that what this was all about?

No. No, Mariah grabbed her. She’d gotten angry, violently angry, the way her father had. She broke things. She forced herself …

But.

Why hadn’t she stayed? She wasn’t that frightened little girl anymore. She knew how to stand up for herself. Hell, she was strong now. Mariah couldn’t overpower her. Could she? Tessa had never wondered this. Why would she?

“Tessa?” Nikki’s voice pulled Tessa from her reverie.

“Yes, I’m here. Sorry.” Nikki didn’t reply. She had nothing left to say about the situation. “I’ll be right there.”

“All right.”

And with that, Nikki was gone, leaving her to return to those offending thoughts.

Despite what she had told Nikki, Tessa considered not going. Was she really ready to deal with this again so soon? Tessa didn’t want their first conversation in two weeks to be one in which Mariah wasn’t entirely of sound mind. Was she really in a place to take care of this? The bartender would eventually cut her off. She’d get a car. She’d sleep it off. Did Tessa really need to be around for that? Again?

But Nikki had called. Nikki called her. Neither of them had made amends for their misdeeds, not officially, anyway. And their paths had crossed over the last year, an inevitability in Genoa City. But Nikki had just shown her kindness with that phone call. While Nikki was cool, Tessa could hear the concern in her voice. She was genuinely worried for Mariah and, in turn, worried for Tessa.

She knew that this new jealous side of Mariah had really grown and seeing her with Sally at the studio that night would be enough to set her off. Tessa felt it was her duty to take care of this.

# \---------------------------------

Tessa walked through the doors of Society, unsure what she might find. Before she saw Mariah, she noticed Nikki sitting at a table with Victoria. They locked eyes for a moment, Tessa silently pleading in despair. Nikki looked back with understanding and cocked her head towards the bar where Mariah sat slumped over a drink. Tessa nodded a thank you with a small smile. She took a quick breath and made her way to Mariah. She stood behind her for a moment, unsure of her next move. She wasn’t ready to talk to her and she was too afraid to touch her. So she pulled out a stool and sat down next to Mariah.

Mariah felt someone slide in right beside her and she was annoyed. “All this room around the bar and someone has to sit right here?” she thought to herself. She came here to be alone, though in retrospect, maybe a dark hole in the wall would have been a better choice. She finally turned to her left and saw her. 

“Tessa,” she breathed. Meeting those eyes, those kind eyes, Mariah instantly felt warm. Her face lifted and she almost smiled out of relief as if she was being saved. She had been so lost for months, not just the last two weeks. She had felt like she was slipping away from herself, turning into someone she didn’t recognize. In this moment, seeing her love, Mariah knew that’s all she ever needed. She wanted to open herself up to Tessa. If they could just talk, really talk and be together, connected, everything would be okay. But when she looked closer at Tessa’s face, she didn’t find salvation. At first Mariah couldn’t read it. There were bits of annoyance and maybe … pity? But what else was it? What was there in her eyes?

Then Mariah finally caught it. Obligation. That’s why Tessa was there. 

Mariah’s demeanor instantly changed. Whatever part of her was open to receiving Tessa was now closed. Her face tightened, she turned back to her drink and stared ahead.

Tessa still didn’t know what to say. What was there to say after two weeks apart, after … what had happened between them? “You’re drunk and I’m here to take you home,” just seemed inappropriate for the situation, as true as it was. She did notice a spark in Mariah, though, just for a second. Tessa didn’t understand where it came from or where it went but it was only a flash. And now here she was, once again sitting next to a stranger.

“Mariah,” she finally started but had no follow-up.

“Go away, Tessa.”

The tone in Mariah’s voice, Tessa could feel she meant it. Mariah didn’t want her here. This might have hurt her more than anything else they’d been through. What Mariah did before, when she was on top of her, when she grabbed her, she had been trying to hold on to her. As terrible as Mariah’s actions were, they were grounded in a desperation to be with her. But this, this was new. In this one dismissive statement, Mariah was rejecting her. As much as it hurt, Tessa wasn’t going to leave her here.

“Mariah, we need to go.”

“You can go. I’m staying.”

Tessa rubbed her head. She needed a new approach. “Why don’t we go home and talk?”

Mariah turned to Tessa. She seemed conflicted. So many emotions danced on her face, one after another. Tessa couldn’t read what reaction Mariah finally landed on.

“So it is still home to you.” Mariah’s tone was somehow both hopeful and accusatory.

“Yes, it’s still home.” Tessa didn’t want to do this in public anymore. She could tell their conversation had the potential to get heated and loud. She and Mariah both preferred their intimate moments to be private. That included fighting.

Tessa gently slid Mariah’s drink away from her while she eyed the bartender, hoping he could read her mind. Mariah stubbornly snatched the glass back.

“You’re loving this, aren’t you?” Mariah laughed a little as she spoke. It wasn’t a happy laugh by any means. It was that laugh she did when she was nervous or anxious. Tessa recognized it immediately.

“What would I love about this?”

“This,” Mariah indicated her glass. “Mariah’s drinking again!” Her voiced raised and her emphatic gesture caused a bit a liquor to spill out of her glass. A few people turned their attention to the couple and Tessa’s irritation rose. 

“Mariah,” Tessa said quietly, trying to defuse the situation, “please let me take you home.”

Mariah hated being talked down to like a child. She was about to ignore Tessa’s request and order another drink when she caught a glimpse around and noticed a few people, including Nikki Newman, looking at her like she was a sideshow freak. 

“Well,” Mariah sighed, “I suppose I can’t stay here now.”

# \---------------------------------

The car ride home was quiet. Mariah stared out the window while Tessa kept her eyes forward. The radio was low and a familiar song come on. Tessa instinctively sang along. Mariah had a strong association to the song. It was playing the first time they danced together one night in Tessa’s apartment and Mariah had always thought of it as their song. She didn’t appreciate Tessa singing along to it in this moment with so much uncertainty and tension. It felt to her like Tessa was encroaching on something sacred and she didn’t like it. If they were going to end, Mariah wanted the memory of them dancing to remain untouched. She turned off the radio and went back to staring out the window. Tessa hummed a few more bars to herself then returned to silence.

When Tessa pulled up to their apartment, Mariah bolted from the car before it had completely stopped. Tessa watched her fumble with her keys and quickly escape inside. She sat in the car for a moment debating whether or not to follow. Tessa had done her job. Mariah was now safe at home and she clearly wanted to be alone. It was a fine excuse not to go inside. Tessa wasn’t exactly jumping at the chance to be back in the apartment with Mariah, especially a drunk and hostile Mariah. She didn’t want to put either of them in that situation again until they had worked through some of these things. They would work them through … wouldn’t they? 

Figuring it was for the best, Tessa decided to leave things be for now. She was about to put her car in reverse when she looked up and saw Mariah standing in the window of their apartment. She was peering down into the car and Tessa was certain their eyes met. Mariah didn’t look hostile or belligerent. She actually looked just as helpless and lost as Tessa had been feeling. She knew in that moment that Mariah needed her. She couldn’t just leave. Tessa turned off the engine, got out of the car and slowly made her way to the apartment. Mariah eventually disappeared from the window.

Tessa felt silly when she almost knocked on the door. This was still her home, after all. She walked in as Mariah was walking from the kitchen to the living room.

“Water,” Mariah said, lifting her glass and sitting on the couch.

“Good,” Tessa said softly without judgment. “Do you want to talk?”

Mariah just nodded so Tessa took a seat at the other end of the couch. They both sat for a moment, neither of them speaking. Who had the words? Where could they possibly begin? Tessa opted for the easiest thing first.

“Mariah, there is nothing going on between me and Sally. I wish you would believe me.”

“I want to,” Mariah explained with wet eyes. “I just -- are we even still together?”

Tessa didn’t know how to answer. Yes, they were together. They hadn’t officially broken up and she didn’t know if that’s what she wanted. She finally responded the only we she knew how: “We’re … in limbo.”

Mariah didn’t like this answer. “I’m pretty sure the rules state that you can fuck someone else when you’re in limbo.”

“I don’t want to fuck anyone else. That’s not what’s going on.”

Tessa was trying to keep a cool head but Mariah was making it difficult.

“If you want to talk about our problems, our _real_ problems, I’m willing to do that. But I’m tired of you accusing me of something I haven’t done. Something I have no intention of doing.”

Mariah knew Tessa was right so she tried a different approach. “When are you coming home?”

“I -- I don’t know.”

Mariah lowered her head.

“We have a lot to work through,” Tessa continued. “We’re not gonna get this figured out in one night.”

“I’m sorry about the glass.”

“I know you are.”

“And I’m sorry I grabbed you. I didn’t mean to do that.”

Tessa couldn’t respond. She thought she was ready to talk about this but she wasn’t. Especially because she was certain she knew what else was about to come up, the thing that Mariah had previously refused to acknowledge. Tessa wasn’t ready for that.

“The thing is, Tessa, I gave you a pass. After what you did to Sharon, I forgave you.”

Not only did Mariah, once again, not acknowledge … _that_ but now she was trying to sweep everything else that had happened under the rug. She was looking for an easy out. Tessa was taken aback. 

“So, what, now it’s payback time?” Tessa asked, insulted.

“No, I -- no, that’s not what I meant.”

“Have you just been sitting on that this entire time, knowing you could screw up and I’d forgive you because I _owed_ you?”

“No --”

“Because I thought we were past all that.”

“We are.”

“Are we?”

Mariah stared at Tessa for a moment. “Yes. We are. But … “ Mariah hesitated but pressed on. “Tessa, you blackmailed my mom. And you grifted my brother, gaslighting me in the process. There were so many lies, so many secrets you kept from me. Big secrets.”

Tessa still felt shame for the things she had done no matter how many times Mariah said she forgave her. But apparently, neither of them were over it. “I know,” Tessa replied, almost annoyed at the idea that Mariah had to remind her of her indiscretions.

“But I knew who you really were. You weren’t a con or an extortionist. I knew the real you and that’s who I loved and that’s who I forgave.” Mariah shifted a little closer to Tessa and took her hand. “Tessa, I looked in your eyes and I knew that I couldn’t live without you.”

Mariah held tighter onto Tessa’s hands. She looked into her eyes hoping to see some indication that forgiveness was in them. She _was_ owed this. Mariah had forgiven everything and now it was Tessa’s turn. She made one mistake and Tessa needed to see that.

“I need you to do that for me. I need you to look in my eyes, please, and know that you can’t live without me. Because I know you can’t. We’re forever and we both know that. You have to tell me that. You have to tell me that you see it. Please do that for me the way I did it for you. Tell me you can’t live without me.”

Tessa gazed back into Mariah’s eyes and in that moment she saw the love and the devotion. She knew it was there. But she had seen a darkness beyond that and she knew it wasn’t gone. The sound of glass shattering, the feeling of weight on top of her, that was all still with Tessa. She couldn’t shake it and even with a heartfelt plea from the women she loved, she still didn’t feel safe. Tessa let her hands slip from Mariah’s, suddenly feeling suffocated by her touch. Mariah looked down at their hands moving apart and could instantly feel a shift from Tessa. The distance was back. Tessa’s eyebrows crinkled and her eyes watered. She looked at Mariah tenderly.

“I don’t know if I can say that.”

Before she could cry, before she could change her mind, Tessa stood up and wordlessly left the apartment and a defeated Mariah.


	6. Chapter 6

The next morning, Tessa woke and rubbed the other side of the bed, just as she had done for the last two weeks and once again was reminded that Mariah wasn’t next to her. She had to remember again that she wasn’t in their bed, in their home. And then a new thought introduced itself: _Are Mariah and I over?_

Tessa had never actually said it was over. She wasn’t even sure if that’s what she wanted but was certain she wasn’t ready to decide. Tessa lay on her side, looking to the pillow next to her, softly rubbing the mattress.

“I miss you,” she breathed to the empty space. A tear slid down her face leaving a wet mark on her cheek.

Lying in bed looking at nothing, talking to no one, Tessa finally accepted that she had been avoiding this and that needed to end now. Ana had insisted that Tessa take a day off from recording. She needed to let her voice rest after doing practically nothing but singing for the last two weeks. She knew Ana was right, although she did miss the distraction, especially after her conversation with Mariah the night before. Today she would be forced to think the thoughts and feel the feelings she had been trying so hard to quell. 

Tessa got out of bed and decided to take care of this head-on. It was time.

# \---------------------------------

Tessa felt awkward standing before the large front door. “This is a bad idea,” she thought as she considered bolting. She’d already rung the doorbell but maybe there was still time to leave. Just as she turned to go, the door opened.

“Tessa.”

She turned back around. “Hi, Nikki.”

The two former friends stood before one another for a moment before Tessa finally spoke.

“I just wanted to thank you. For calling me last night.”

“I hope I didn’t overstep.”

“No,” was all Tessa could reply as she stared down at her feet drawing circles on the ground.

“Was there something else?”

Tessa looked up with wet eyes. She wanted to tell her what had been going on but she knew they weren’t friends anymore. Too much had happened between them. She opened her mouth to speak knowing no words would come out. Nikki opened the door wider.

“Would you like to come in?”

This wasn’t a pity offer or an obligation. She could tell Nikki’s invitation was sincere. Tessa softly nodded and followed her into the house.

They sat together on the couch, neither of them saying anything. Tessa knew Nikki was waiting for her to begin but she didn’t quite know how. It was so complicated. She was filled with emotions that didn’t even have words. How could she articulate, to Nikki Newman no less, what she had been feeling?

“How long has this been going on?” Nikki asked, understanding Tessa’s dilemma and taking the reins.

Tessa looked down at her hands as she answered. “About six months. It wasn’t bad at first. But,” she sighed and continued, “if I really look back, it started around six months ago.” She nodded her head in agreement with her own assessment.

“And what are you doing about it?”

What _was_ she doing about it?

“She needs your help, Tessa. What are you doing about it?” Nikki asked again.

“I … I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

And she didn’t. She was just a kid when she went through this before with her parents. Helping them wasn’t exactly a priority. Protection. That’s all she could think about. Protecting herself and Crystal and eventually getting away.

“Am I doing the same thing with Mariah? Am I just running away to protect myself?” she thought to herself.

“Have you talked to her about it?” Nikki’s question brought Tessa out of her thoughts.

“I’ve … tried. But we just … we fight.” Tessa dropped her head in shame.

“Tessa --”

“She’s done things, Nikki.”

“Undoubtedly.”

Tessa looked Nikki right in her eyes. “She’s done things to me.” 

Nikki looked right back at her, unflinching. “I’m sure she has.”

Tessa’s eyebrows wrinkled. “So … what am I supposed to do?”

“You’re supposed to help her, Tessa.”

“But how do I do that?”

“Do you love her?”

“Of course I love her. More than anything.”

“Then find a way.”

# \---------------------------------

The sun shone through the window and onto Mariah’s face, causing her to stir. She slowly opened her eyes to see Tessa’s side of the bed empty and untouched. She stared at the space, remembering how it felt to wake and see her love. Sunday was their day. No matter what they had going on, they still had their time together on Sundays, even if it was just an hour. They had an unspoken agreement: on Sunday mornings, they never woke up alone. 

She grazed her palm over Tessa’ pillow, imagining her there, remembering her there. When Mariah woke before Tessa, she would watch her sleeping, anticipating the moment that her eyes opened and she was introduced to a new day. Tessa’s first reaction to waking was always a little bit of resistance mixed with annoyance. But then upon opening her eyes to see Mariah, Tessa’s entire demeanor would change. Her eyes would soften and her lips would slowly curl up into a smile. And she would get shy. Mariah never understood that but she never questioned it because it made her heart swell. 

Every morning they fell in love with each other.

Mariah tried to reclaim that feeling even with Tessa gone, fearing she may not get through the day without it. She closed her eyes and pulled Tessa’s pillow into her, inhaling it, trying to consume any residual scent left there. She imagined Tessa smiling and brushing a piece of hair behind Mariah’s ear, letting her hand linger down her neck. The feeling of Tessa’s breath as she came closer for a soft kiss, the first of the morning and their tongues dancing together …

_Get off me!_

Mariah flinched and her eyes shot open. She tossed Tessa’s pillow back to the other side of the bed and shook her head, hoping that would get rid of the sound in her mind. She rubbed her face and instantly jumped out of bed. She need to get out of that room.

# \---------------------------------

When Tessa left Nikki’s, she was more confused than when she’d woken up that morning. Nikki didn’t seem to care at all that Mariah had done things to her. She didn’t even care what those things could be, like it didn’t matter. Of course it mattered. It certainly did to Tessa. And when did Nikki start talking like Buddha anyway?

As frustrating as Nikki’s vague advice was, Tessa supposed she was still right. She was Mariah’s person. They had promised to take care of each other no matter what. There were no stipulations to that promise. They never said, “Unless you do something terrible.” Tessa had never seen goodness in her father so it never occurred to her to help him. But Mariah, she was nothing but good. Even when she … Mariah was good. She would never intentionally hurt Tessa. She knew that.

Still. 

Mariah had hurt her in the worst way and she didn’t know how to do this. But she had an idea of someone who might.

# \---------------------------------

When Mariah came downstairs it was nearly noon. She had been sleeping later and later since Tessa left. There was no reason to get out of bed, no purpose to her day. The only thing that got her out of the bedroom were the persistent echoes of mistakes ringing in her ears.

She had become accustomed to pushing dangerous thoughts out of her head and replacing them with the mundane. As she walked down the stairs, Mariah already had a list of things she needed to do that day. Work was on the list but first she needed to clean the entire apartment top to bottom. She stepped into the kitchen and got started on the dishes she’d let take up residence in the sink for a week. She picked up a glass that felt horrifyingly familiar. It slipped through her hands, landing back into the sink with a clang against the other dishes. The sound reverberated in her mind as the sound of glass smashing. Mariah took a step back from the sink. She tried to even her shallow breathing and walked to the liquor cabinet. She pulled out a bottle of vodka and reached for a glass. She stared at the glass in her hand and gripped it so tightly she could break it if she’d had the might. Mariah set the empty glass down next to the bottle and backed away. She paced through the kitchen rubbing her head, scratching at her scalp, desperately trying to dig out these thoughts.

_Get off me!_

Mariah marched back over to the bottle and filled the glass. She took a sip then another. The glass shook in her trembling hands. She glanced into the dining room. Again she heard the sound of smashing glass. She could feel Tessa’s arm squeezing in her hand. Mariah took another drink, placed the glass back down and with great purpose ran into the pantry. She pulled out the broom, which she took into the dining room and began to sweep. There was nothing there but she swept the bristles over the floor again and again, all the while futilely attempting to wipe her mind of everything.

# \---------------------------------

Sharon returned to the living room and handed Tessa a cup of tea as she sat next to her on the couch. Her relationship with Sharon had vastly improved over the months but she still felt a little uncomfortable being in her house without Mariah. Sharon had seemed surprised when Tessa showed up out of the blue but was cordial, even kind, inviting her in to talk. Tessa decided she needed to be more assertive with Sharon than she had been with Nikki. She embarked on this strange adventure today with the sole purpose of helping Mariah and that’s what she was going to do.

“Sharon,” Tessa began.

Sharon smiled. “Is this about the engagement?”

“What?”

“Mariah already told me she was going to propose.”

“Oh.”

“Tessa, I’m happy for you both. I really am. I know that you love Mariah and everything in the past is … water under the bridge.” Sharon meant this as much as she could.

Tessa was at a loss. It felt strange to talk about their engagement and a life together that may not even happen.

Sharon noted Tessa’s apprehension and wanted to set her mind at ease. “Now, I know it happened a little while ago and yes, I wish you two had said something but that’s fine. I know you’re both private people and don’t like to make a fuss.” Sharon placed her hand on top of Tessa’s. “I want you to know that I approve. Welcome to the family.”

This sentiment hit Tessa in the gut. These were the things that should be happening to her and Mariah right now. They were supposed to make an announcement, have a party, be surrounded by support and love from their friends. They were supposed to be happy right now. But instead, they were in hell.

“Sharon,” Tessa started but her throat tightened and a tear began to fall.

“Tessa, what is it?”

Tessa wiped her cheek and gathered herself. “It’s Mariah. She’s … “ What could she say? How would she put this to Sharon?

“What’s going on with Mariah?”

“Sharon, she’s drinking. A lot.”

“What?”

Tessa took a deep breath and proceeded to tell Sharon everything. She didn’t know if it was Sharon’s kind words or the relief that they seemed to be on steady footing again but Tessa felt comfortable with Sharon and knew she had come to the right person. She also felt better talking about it, telling someone.

When she finished, Sharon was quiet for a moment, taking it all in, her hand over her mouth where she had placed it halfway through Tessa’s account. Finally, Sharon looked at her. “Tessa, are you okay?”

Tessa was shocked. She had told her about Mariah struggling with alcohol, acting like someone else, doing things so out of character, spiraling. Yet, her first question was to ask if _she_ was okay. 

“Y-yes.”

Sharon tilted her head and narrowed her eyes at her.

“No,” Tessa sighed. “I’m not okay. But I know that I will be.” Tessa sat up straighter, suddenly remembering she was stronger than she sometimes gave herself credit for. “Mariah talked me into seeing someone, a therapist to deal with my past trauma. After --” Tessa stopped herself. She didn’t want to bring up such things with Sharon after they’d managed to move past it.

“After we kidnapped you and left you in the woods?” Sharon finished, deep sympathy and regret on her face.

Tessa silently nodded. Neither woman spoke for a moment, both unsure if this was the time. Tessa decided for them.

“She helped me work through a lot of things with my family and everything that happened back in Chicago. But now ...” Tessa trailed off.

“Now Mariah is bringing it all back up again,” Sharon surmised.

“And it’s different. Because it’s Mariah. The situation feels the same but the emotions are completely foreign. I’m watching the woman I love deteriorate.”

This thought caused more tears to fall down Tessa’s cheeks.

“What can I do?” Sharon asked.

“I need you to help her, Sharon. I can’t do it. Not because I’m not strong enough to handle it, or at least will be eventually. I just … the more I try to help her, the harder she fights me. When I’m around she just wants to fix us.” Tessa looked down at her hands, sadness overtaking her. “We can’t be fixed right now. Not with the way things are.”

“Mariah needs to fix herself first.” Sharon concluded.

Tessa nodded. “And I don’t think I can be around her while she does that.” 

# \---------------------------------

Mariah was scrubbing the dining room floor when the doorbell rang. She leaned the mop against the wall and carefully made her way to the door. She looked through the peephole and opened the door, greeting Sharon.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” Mariah sounded pleasant enough.

“Can’t a mother check in on her daughter from time to time?”

“She can,” Mariah said allowing her access. When Sharon stepped inside, she instantly saw the engagement ring sitting on the coffee table, two weeks’ worth of dust hugging it.

“Isn’t that the ring you gave Tessa?” Sharon asked as they sat on the couch.

Without looking at it, Mariah casually lied, “Tessa must have forgotten it this morning.” Mariah popped right back off the couch and ducked into the kitchen.

“Do you want something to drink?”

“No, I’m fine.”

Mariah tooled around in the kitchen, dramatically extending the time it takes to fix a glass of water.

“Mariah,” Sharon called to her.

“Yeah?” Mariah asked, her head poking around the corner.

“I’d really like to talk to you if you have time.”

Mariah didn’t say anything but within a minute she emerged from the kitchen and rigidly sat back down on the couch. “What’s up?” she asked, attempting to sound casual but the harder she tried, the stiffer she got.

“I saw Tessa today.”

Mariah stared ahead, taking a drink of her water. “Mm hm?” She gulped.

Sharon tread lightly. “She told me that you have been having some problems.”

Mariah took another unnecessary drink. “Not really,” she lied. “I mean, just everyday relationship stuff.”

"She told me she’s been staying at Ana’s for the last few weeks.”

Mariah’s eyes shot to the liquor cabinet across the room. She needed to calm her nerves. How much had Tessa told her?

“Look, Sharon, this really isn’t your business.”

Mariah was back on her feet, seeking out a different place to be, a task to busy herself with.

“I’m your mother.”

“I know that but it’s between Tessa and me and we’re dealing with it.”

“I don’t think you are.” Sharon stood and moved to Mariah who was simply standing by the dining room table pretending to organize a few pieces of mail.

Mariah’s hands started to shake and she put them behind her back, hoping her nerves wouldn’t show. She absolutely wasn’t ready to talk about it but Sharon was not letting her off that easily.

“Look at me.”

Mariah’s head was stubbornly fixed on the floor.

“Mariah,” Sharon said again.

Still keeping her head down, Mariah spoke with shame coating her voice. “She told you I grabbed her.”

“She did,” Sharon responded softly.

“And the glass?”

“Yes.”

“And she left me.”

“Mariah, Tessa didn’t leave you. She just needed some distance, which isn’t always a bad thing.”

“She’s gone, Sharon. She’s not coming back.”

“Oh, sweetheart, I don’t think that’s true.” Sharon reached for her but Mariah shifted and stepped back a few paces. “She loves you so much. But I think you need to figure out what’s going on with you.”

Mariah glanced up for a second then went back to gazing at her feet. She said nothing so Sharon continued. “Have you been … drinking a little more than usual?”

Mariah did not want any part of this conversation. She brushed past Sharon and headed back toward the living room for no particular reason. Sharon followed her.

“Mariah.”

“Sharon, I’m fine.”

“Are you?”

“Yes!”

Sharon didn’t know how to bring this next part up. She slowly took a small step towards Mariah. She kept her tone low and soothing. “Tessa told me that you … she said you tried to …”

Mariah’s head snapped up and her eyes met Sharon’s. 

“I know! I know what I did!”

Mariah walked back into the dining room, trying to get distance from Sharon and the disappointment she could feel radiating off of her.

“Mariah --”

“I tried to rape Tessa! That’s what I did! So don’t tell me Tessa’s not gone. She left and she’s not coming back.” Mariah’s cheeks were stained with tears, her voice quivering. “And she shouldn’t come back. What I did … “ Mariah couldn’t keep speaking. The emotions were trapped in her throat and talking was impossible at that point. She slid down the wall and sat on the floor, her knees pulled to her chest. Sharon slowly joined her daughter on the floor, sitting with her, letting her have a minute. She placed a hand on Mariah’s back and slowly rubbed up and down. Finally, Mariah looked up at Sharon, her eyes red and blurry. 

“Mom,” she croaked out and let Sharon envelop her in a hug as she shook and cried in her arms.

Now that Mariah had truly confronted what she had done, she couldn’t stuff it back down. She had hurt Tessa beyond measure and she knew she would never get her back.


	7. Chapter 7

Sharon held Mariah as she shook and wept in her arms. She’d never seen Mariah so frail, so broken. She supposed losing Tessa was the only thing that could bring her to this state. That was her initial worry when the two of them finally got together. Sharon knew from personal experience that such intense passion for another person changes you, for better and for worse. She had seen the good change in Mariah. She’d opened up, become less cynical, _happy_. But this scared Sharon. She didn’t blame Tessa for Mariah’s drinking and erratic behavior. But in seeing how happy Mariah had been, she‘d worried any sadness would return ten-fold. It couldn’t be avoided and was all a part of being in love. It still hurt to see her daughter in such pain. At the moment, Sharon’s primary concern was getting her out of this situation.

Mariah had stopped sobbing and was just trembling and sniffling into Sharon’s shoulder.

“Why don’t you come back to the ranch for a little while? Clear your head, regroup,” Sharon suggested.

Mariah didn’t say anything. She didn’t protest or pretend that she was fine. She simply nodded and gave an affirmative mumble. Sharon managed to get them both on their feet and helped Mariah upstairs to the bedroom. They silently packed a bag, Sharon making a point to include essentials while Mariah absent-mindedly threw in mostly sweats.

“Do you want a few other things? Work clothes? Something a little nicer?” Sharon asked, trying not to be a nag. Mariah didn’t answer. She just added another t-shirt in a daze. “That’s okay. You can always come back.”

Mariah stopped packing. She looked forward, transfixed on the wall. “I’m not coming back.”

“Sure, not now but eventually --” Sharon started.

“Tessa should be here. It’s her home. But I’m not coming back.”

She zipped up the bag before it was fully packed and walked out of the bedroom with it slung over her shoulder.

# \---------------------------------

Tessa sat across from Sally at Society, sharing a perfectly pleasant conversation. She liked spending time with her new friend and collaborator but Mariah’s jealous accusations kept her from truly enjoying herself. Mariah had made her feel guilty about having a friend and Tessa tried to put that away, not let it affect this growing platonic relationship.

“So,” Sally began, taking a sip of her cocktail, “our song is amazing.”

“It is.” Tessa always had an easier time praising her music when other people were involved. 

“And I want you to have it,” Sally told her with a small smile.

Tessa looked confused. “What do you mean?”

“It should be on your new album. Exclusively.”

“Sally, I --”

“Tessa, the collaboration was your idea, you wrote most of it. It’s your song. And I think it could really help you.”

Tessa knew she and Sally were in very different places in their careers. Tessa was still a virtual unknown with a dedicated but very small fanbase. Since their tour earlier that year, Sally had become a mainstream success. Having their song exclusively on Tessa’s album would be amazing.

“Are you sure?” Tessa asked.

“It’s already done. You know,” Sally took another sip for dramatic effect, “I’m doing a full North American tour this summer.”

“That’s great,” Tessa said, sincerely happy for her friend.

“I want you to open for me.”

Tessa nearly choked on her drink. The LP shows were one thing but this was a massive tour with someone who could headline large venues. This wasn’t just playing clubs and music festivals with several other acts. This was the exposure she needed.

“Sally --”

“Just say yes. I want you there with me.”

Tessa opened her mouth to speak when her phone rang. She looked down to see Sharon’s name, taking her out of this sureal moment and back into something she had been happy to forget for a moment. She needed to take this.

“Excuse me?”

Sally nodded while Tessa got up from the table and took the call outside.

“Hey, Sharon.”

“Tessa. Mariah asked me to call you. I’ve brought her to the ranch to stay with me for a while.”

“Is she … okay?”

Sharon’s pregnant pause concerned Tessa. She held her breath as she waited for an answer.

“She will be,” Sharon finally said. 

Tessa didn’t know what that meant but she exhaled just the same, happy to have any information at all.

Sharon continued. “She wants you to move back home. If you want to, of course.”

Tessa did want to be back in her home but she didn’t like being there without Mariah. She also wasn’t sure she liked being there with Mariah. Sharon picked up on Tessa’s silence and tried to ease her mind. “Mariah … doesn’t want to go back. Not right now.”

“Oh.”

“She won’t just show up. So you’ll be …” Sharon didn’t want to say “safe”. Mariah wasn’t a danger to anyone. Or she hadn’t thought she was.

“Right.” Tessa didn’t want to hear her say it either.

“Anyway, whenever you’re ready to move back in, you can.” It sounded strange, as if Sharon was giving her permission to move back into her own home.

“Thank you.” Tessa wasn’t just grateful for the update. She was thanking her for helping Mariah. And Sharon knew that.

“Of course. Take care of yourself and call if you need anything.”

“I will.”

Tessa hung up, took a deep breath, and walked back inside, rejoining Sally at the table.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah. Yes,” Tessa tried to act casual as she lied to her friend.

Sally took her answer at face value and proceeded to fill Tessa in on the details of the upcoming tour as if she’d already agreed to join her. As Sally went on and on, all Tessa could think about was Mariah. Sharon said she would be okay. That meant she wasn’t okay now. This wasn’t news to Tessa. She knew Mariah wasn’t okay. That’s why she’d gone to Sharon for help in the first place. Now Mariah was staying at the ranch and she would be okay. Eventually. But she’d be okay. Tessa had done the right thing. She was almost certain she’d done the right thing. She wondered what Mariah thought when Sharon talked to her and how that had gone. Did Mariah think Tessa had just passed her off to someone else? Did she feel abandoned? Did she think she didn’t care? Tessa hated not knowing what Mariah was thinking. They used to always know, just with a look, exactly how the other felt. Now they weren’t even speaking to each other.

“… and then the last show will be here in GC.” Sally concluded her pitch and Tessa realized she’d heard none of it. She nodded her head, hoping that was the appropriate response to everything Sally had said. She continued. “So, what do you think? Three months on the road?”

Three months. Tessa couldn’t imagine being away from Mariah for three months. But then, she was away from her now. Maybe this was the right thing. With her gone Mariah might be able to heal. This could be exactly what they needed, one way or another. 

Or maybe it was the worst thing for them. Was this just another way for Tessa to run away? Was she taking the easy way out? Was it better for Mariah if she was here or if she was gone? And what was better for Tessa?

She noticed Sally looking at her expectantly, waiting for an answer.

“Can I think about it?” Tessa asked.

“Of course,” Sally said, trying to sound casual but clearly a little disappointed in Tessa’s lack of instant enthusiasm.

“It’s just …” Tessa wanted Sally to know she was flattered by the offer and very interested.

“But Mariah,” Sally helped her out.

“Things are …”

“Complicated,” Sally finished again.

Tessa smiled, grateful for the assist. “Yeah.”

“Take your time. Let me know in a couple of weeks?”

Tessa had no idea if she would know what to do in a couple of weeks. After months of “complicated”, could she really hope for any kind of resolution any time soon?

# \---------------------------------

Mariah climbed the dark steps. She wobbled from side to side, careful not to tumble back down. A small light in the hall guided her the rest of the way. When she reached her bedroom door, she opened it to find more darkness inside. Tessa was already in bed but she knew she’d be awake. She was always awake when Mariah came home, always waited up, always greeted her. She waited for a minute but Tessa didn’t move. She watched the outline of the curves of her body slowly rising and falling with her breath. Mariah wanted her. She always loved her, worshipped her but right now she wanted her. 

Mariah crawled into bed and curled up behind her. She kissed her neck and became more turned on when she heard a small moan from Tessa. There were times they didn’t know what to say but they could always touch each other. Mariah knew just how to touch Tessa to make her feel good, feel loved. They’d had another off week but Mariah was going to fix that tonight. She reached around and up Tessa’s shirt, finding a breast with her palm. She rubbed her nipple with her thumb and when Tessa said her name, she shifted and climbed on top of her. She lifted Tessa’s shirt, exposing her breasts. Tessa said her name again, urging her on. With one hand still firmly grasping Tessa’s breast, she advanced her other hand down to Tessa’s panties, finding her way in. 

Mariah loved the way Tessa felt against her and she was about to enter her with two fingers when she looked up to see Tessa crying. She was yelling but Mariah couldn’t hear her. She didn’t understand what was happening. She leaned down to kiss her, trying to silence her, make her feel good, make her feel what she herself felt. Mariah tasted salt on her lips as Tessa squirmed beneath her. She kissed her deeply, forcing her tongue inside her mouth. She leaned back from the kiss and looked down at Tessa, who was still struggling beneath her, fighting her. Mariah could feel Tessa’s hands against her, trying to push her away. She grabbed each of Tessa’s wrists and pinned them to the bed. She forced her weight onto Tessa to keep her still and kissed her deeply again. She raised Tessa’s hands over her head and held her wrists with one strong hand. Her other hand snaked back down between her legs.

“Get off me!”

Mariah’s eyes shot open and she sat upright in bed. She looked around as she shuffled the blankets off of her in a panic. She was disoriented but as her eyes adjusted to the darkness she realized she was in her old bedroom at Sharon’s house. The back of her neck was soaked with sweat. Still reeling from being inside the dream, Mariah tried to shake it off, squirmed out of bed, and made her way to the bathroom.

She turned on the faucet and splashed water on her face, letting the remnants drop down her cheeks into the sink as she kept her head lowered, her hands on the counter to steady herself. She slowly rose her head, seeing herself in the mirror. Tears streamed down, mingling with streaks of water. Mariah glared at her reflection, hating what she saw there. Through bleary eyes she tried to focus on the woman staring back at her, a stranger.

A monster.

Mariah’s breathing quickened with anger. She screamed inside herself, at herself, rage bubbling up and without a thought, she made a fist and slammed it hard against the mirror. Glass shattered down to the counter, into the sink, onto the floor. She felt the pain burn through her knuckles and it felt satisfying, like a release. A small piece of the mirror was still intact on the wall, showing Mariah a small part of her face, a bit deformed by the shape of the glass. She didn’t recognize herself. She backed up quickly, only a few steps before her back hit the wall. She slithered down and sat on the floor, knees to her chest. She lowered her head and began to sob.

The noise woke Sharon who ran into the bathroom, stopping in the doorway upon noticing the glass all over the floor. She saw Mariah sitting, her shoulders quaking up and down.

“Mariah! What --” she started then noted blood on Mariah’s hand. Sharon expertly stepped around the glass and made her way to her daughter. She knelt down and carefully took her hand, examining it. “Mariah,” she started softer this time, “what happened?”

Mariah looked up with read swollen eyes. “I had the dream again,” she choked through tears. 

Sharon sighed, feeling for her. “Okay, you’re okay. Let’s go downstairs so I can take a look at your hand.” She lifted Mariah up and helped her step around the glass. Sharon carefully led her down the stairs, holding her bloody hand in hers and an arm securely around her shoulder. She sat Mariah on the couch, leaving her for a moment to get the first aid kit.

Alone, Mariah stared down at the blood streaking across her knuckles. She knew it was supposed to hurt but she couldn’t feel it. She wished it hurt because that’s what she deserved. Not first aid. Not someone caring for her. She deserved to be alone. As much as she wanted the pain inside to stop, Mariah knew she had to keep it and feel it every day. She needed to have that dream every night. She wished she could take on the entirety of that memory for both her and Tessa. She needed to bear that. Tessa shouldn’t have that in her head.

Sharon came back with supplies and sat next to Mariah. She examined the hand then started cleaning it.

“What dream did you have?” Sharon gently asked.

“The dream, Sharon. The same dream I have every night.” Mariah was short with her and didn’t know why. She was taking care of her but Mariah was angry that she even cared to do so. She had no right to be cared for, to be loved. Sharon noticed Mariah’s tone but pressed on.

“About Tessa?”

Mariah sighed sadly. Her tone changed back to sad, remorseful, defeated. “It gets worse every night. I go further every time. It starts out the way I remember it but then I see her crying and I keep going. I keep fighting her and hurting her.”

“Mariah,” Sharon started as she wrapped her daughter’s hand with gauze, “I think maybe we need to talk about this.”

“What’s there to talk about? I assaulted my girlfriend. My fiancé. Or probably ex-fiancé now. Definitely ex. Because it’s over.” Mariah started gesturing and Sharon had to keep her hand still while she wrapped it.

“Mariah --” 

“No, Sharon. There’s nothing you can say to make this okay.”

“Well, I’m still going to try.”

Sharon had finished wrapping Mariah’s hand. She put everything back in the kit, placed it on the coffee table and turned back to Mariah, who was not at all interested in hearing what Sharon had to say.

“Mariah, this is something you and Tessa need to talk about --”

“I don’t deserve to talk to Tessa,” Mariah interrupted.

“Okay.”

“Ever again.”

“Okay, Mariah, listen. You and Tessa need to talk about this _eventually_. It’s between the two of you. But she told me what happened. And it sounds like maybe it was a miscommunication --”

“Miscommunication? Really, Sharon? You work with assault victims all the time. How can you give me a pass?”

“I’m not. It’s not mine to give. But she told me when she said stop, you stopped. You were confused. You were drunk --”

“Because I drink too much.” Mariah got short again. She was frustrated. Why couldn’t Sharon just let her hate herself in peace?

“You drank too much that night. You weren’t listening to her. Then you did. You stopped. You didn’t try to assault her, Mariah.”

Mariah didn’t respond. She instead stared ahead, uninterested in Sharon’s attempt to rationalize her bad behavior.

“Mariah?” Sharon called to her, trying to get her attention. “What was your intention that night?”

Mariah remembered the car ride home. She remembered thinking about how good things were in the beginning with Tessa, how good they were anytime they were alone. She remembered being determined to fix everything that night. They just needed to connect and everything would be fine. She would take charge because Tessa liked that. She would show her how much she loved her. She supposed in her drunken state, the logic was if they could just be together that night, everything would be fine.

“It was stupid,” Mariah began, quietly.

“What was?” Sharon nudged her on.

“Thinking I could fix everything that was wrong with us.” Mariah paused and ran her uninjured hand through her hair. Sharon silently waited for Mariah to continue. “I loved her for so long before she ever loved me.”

“I know,” Sharon responded, remembering what Mariah had been through as she pined away for Tessa.

“For so long, I’ve felt like I was one mistake away from losing her. Like, it’s going to end eventually and will this be the day? Will today be the day I lose her?”

“How long have you been feeling that way?”

“Every day,” Mariah said, looking at her mother. “Every day we’ve been together.” New tears formed in Mariah’s eyes. 

“Oh, sweetheart.” 

“Maybe I started sabotaging our relationship because I couldn’t take the fear anymore. I’m exhausted. Trying so hard every day to keep her from changing her mind. And then that night …” Mariah trailed off, the night reentering her mind, making everything dark. “That night I tried too hard. And it ended up being the thing that … made her finally change her mind. It’s probably for the best.”

Tears freely fell from Mariah’s eyes. She didn’t bother wiping them away. 

Sharon put an arm around her daughter. “Mariah, Tessa still loves you.”

“She doesn’t. She shouldn’t. The one thing I had to offer her was security and I took that away when I …” the shame prevented her from admitting what she had done. “And I grabbed her, Sharon. I grabbed her arm exactly the way her father did when she was a kid. I made her relive the worst time in her life. So, no. I don’t deserve her love.”

The tears had stopped. Mariah trained her eyes forward, a coldness setting in. She stopped being upset again and instead turned everything off. She rose from the couch, somewhat robotically. “I’m going back to bed. Thanks for patching me up.”

“What if you have another dream?” Sharon asked, concerned about this sudden change in demeanor.

Mariah turned her head to Sharon. “I won’t break anymore mirrors.” And with that, Mariah went upstairs. Sharon felt a chill from their exchange. She wondered if Mariah really would be okay.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be the last chapter. It's not. So there's more to come.

With food tray in hand, Sharon lightly tapped on Mariah’s bedroom door. She listened carefully for an invitation that she didn’t expect to receive. She had gotten used to simply knocking, waiting a few seconds, and then entering the room. Mariah was always doing one of two things: working with headphones on or sleeping. Actually, she wasn’t sure if she was sleeping but the sight of her daughter wrapped up in a comforter on the floor made Sharon hope she was sleeping. It had been a week since the nightmare, since the broken mirror and Sharon had thought it might be best for Mariah to go through this on her own terms. But now it was time to intervene. 

“Hey,” Sharon said cautiously when she found Mariah in a lump on the floor.

“Mm.”

Sharon set the tray on the dresser and crossed her arms as she stood over her daughter.

“Mariah.”

“Mm.”

“Okay.” Sharon moved to the window and pulled back the curtains. The sunlight shone onto the floor and burned the tiny bit of Mariah’s exposed face. She winced.

“Sharon --”

“No, no, we’re done with this. You need to get up.”

“But I just got to sleep,” Mariah whined.

Sharon leaned down and pulled the comforter off of Mariah and set it aside.

“You’re having trouble sleeping? On the floor? I’m shocked.”

“You know why I can’t sleep,” Mariah glared as she adjusted to life outside of her cocoon.

“Because you’re wallowing in self-pity?” Sharon asked.

Shots fired.

Mariah sat up. “Self-pity?”

Sharon cocked her head. Mariah stood up so she could be on equal ground.

“Mariah, you need to deal with things and staying holed up in this room won’t cut it.”

Mariah was about protest but instead sat on the bed with a sigh.

“How?” she asked, looking up at her mother.

Sharon sat next to her and placed a hand on her back. “I don’t know,” she answered, her tone changing. “But not this.”

Mariah sat looking at her hands in her lap, one still wrapped in gauze. “I’m so scared that anything I do will make things worse. So I’m trying to not do anything.”

“I understand that but you can’t hide in here forever.”

Mariah looked up at Sharon, tears in her eyes. “I can’t?”

Sharon smiled at her. “Well, I’m not kicking you out just yet. But maybe … you could start by taking a shower?”

Mariah allowed a sheepish smile to brush over her face. “Probably a good idea.”

Sharon stood to leave. “And would you eat more than just a few bites, please?” she requested, indicating the food tray.

“I’ll try,” Mariah replied in earnest.

# \---------------------------------

Tessa had been back in the apartment for a week and readjusting to being in her home proved less difficult than she had feared. When she initially walked back in, she wasn’t bombarded with bad memories. When she looked to the dining room, she didn’t see broken glass. Instead she saw the night she and Mariah moved in. Tessa and been busy unpacking dishes when Mariah grabbed her, spun her around, and began dancing with her. Tessa hadn’t known what it would feel like to sleep in their bed again but when she crawled in, she could still smell Mariah and it made her feel safe, comforted. Even though she was alone and keeping to her own side of the bed, she could still feel Mariah’s arms around her. Before coming to Genoa City, Tessa had spent most of her time feeling isolated and lonely. Without Mariah with her now, though, Tessa had never felt more alone.

She’d finished her work in the studio and was determined to spend this free time keeping busy. Shortly after she and Mariah moved in together, they’d decided to paint the dining room. They even had the color picked out but they just never got around to it. Tessa needed a new project and suddenly this became the most important thing in the world.

As she ran the roller up the wall to the beat of very loud music , Tessa didn’t hear the doorbell until it rang a third time in between songs. She put down the paint roller and turned down the music. She wiped her hands on a rag as she went to the door and opened it to a smiling Ana. 

Ana tried not to stare at Tessa, hair in a messy ponytail, pieces falling around her face which was speckled with paint. Her skimpy overalls left little to the imagination and Ana had to put the thought of a paint-covered Tessa out of her mind for the time being.

“Ana,” Tessa happily greeted as she opened the door, allowing her access inside.

“Hey!” Ana said, trying to sound nonchalant. “Is this a bad time?” she asked, inadvertently looking Tessa up and down.

Tessa regarded herself. “What? Oh, no. Just painting the dining room. Mariah and I were going to do it when we moved in but we got …” Tessa trailed off.

“Busy?” Ana assisted.

“I was gonna say sidetracked.”

“Right.”

They sat on the couch and after a moment of silence, Ana broke the ice.

“How is it? Being back?”

Tessa looked around the apartment. “Weird. Weird because it’s not weird. It’s home, you know?”

“Because of Mariah’s absence or in spite of it?”

Tessa shrugged. “I don’t know. Both, maybe? I don’t know. I just know that I feel comfortable here. And I didn’t know if that was possible after I left.” Tessa stares off for just a moment before snapping her attention back to Ana. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. If you need to talk --”

“No. I’m good,” Tessa shifted, trying to change the subject. “What’s going on with you?”

“Well,” Ana started as she dug through her bag, “I came over to give you this.” Ana produced a thumb drive and handed it to Tessa. “It’s the final mix.”

“Oh, my god. This is it?” Tessa stared at the small drive in her hands.

“That’s it. That’s your album.” Ana smiled proudly at Tessa who still looked awestruck. Her first album. At a time when everything else felt like it was falling apart, somehow she had managed to finish her first album.

“Thank you,” Tessa said sincerely to Ana. “But you didn’t have to bring it all the way over here.”

“Aw, I missed my roommate. My place has been quiet since you left.”

“You want to move in with me?” Tessa offered in jest. “It’s pretty quiet around here too. When I’m not blaring my music.”

Ana laughed. “Well … are you really sticking around here for that long?”

“What do you mean?”

“I heard about Sally’s offer. The tour.”

Tessa sighed. “Right. The tour.”

“You are going, aren’t you?”

“I haven’t given her an answer yet.”

“Oh. I just assumed with everything that’s going on here that …” Ana decided to let Tessa finish that thought.

“I really don’t know if leaving for three months is the best thing or the worst thing right now. I mean, this tour is the chance of a lifetime for my career. This is it, you know?” Ana nodded and let Tessa continue. “But … “ Tessa took a moment. She and Ana had become friends and sometimes Tessa forgot that. She wasn’t used to ever having many people in her life to talk to. But she knew she could trust Ana. “I’ve spent my life running away from bad situations. And most of the time that was the right call. But then I got used to it. That was my solution. When things get too hard I would just run away.”

“And you think going on tour is running away?” Ana asked.

“I don’t know. Am I abandoning Mariah? Am I giving her the space she needs? The space we need? Should I stay and fight? Or will that make things worse?”

Ana took a deep breath. As much as she wanted Tessa, she knew she needed to be a good friend. “It sounds to me like you don’t even know what you would be running from or staying for. You need to talk to Mariah. I don’t know everything that happened between you two but I do know that you haven’t talked about it with each other. And if you leave without doing that, you really will be running away.”

“We haven’t had a real conversation in so long. I don’t even know …”

Ana put her hand over Tessa’s. Tessa looked up through teary eyes. “Hey,” Ana said, “you’ll find the words. I mean, it’s you and Mariah.”

Tessa smiled at her friend all while her insides started to knot up at the idea of finally having this conversation.

# \---------------------------------

Mariah managed to drag herself into the shower and wash off a little bit of the sadness. It certainly wasn’t a cure-all but it did make her feel better. She was starting to notice her own offending odor and she realized what an important first step that was. Mariah even picked up her dirty clothes and found herself in decent shape to get some work done. As she sat on the bed with her laptop, feverishly working and feeling productive, her phone buzzed. A text message … from Tessa.

_ Would it be okay if I came over? To talk? _

Mariah stared at the words on the screen. Any part of her that had felt a little better was now gone. Her stomach sank and dread clouded over her. This was it. Today was the day she would lose Tessa. She’d told Sharon she was afraid of making any moves, scared she would do more damage. The truth was, she was afraid if she left her bedroom sanctuary, Tessa would find her and end things once and for all. She knew she didn’t deserve Tessa anymore but that tiny bit of hope kept her going, even if she didn’t entirely believe in it. After tonight she would have nothing.

“It must be the tour,” she thought to herself. She knew Sally had asked Tessa to join her on the road. “This is Tessa’s out. She’ll start by calling it a break, a separation, space. But by the time she’s finished her explanation, it can only end one way: she’s leaving me.”

Mariah opened her closet doors and started flipping through her clothes. She pulled out her black dress and black knee high boots. She wasn’t about to lose her lifeline without a fight. After dressing, Mariah started curling her hair when she stopped for a moment and looked at herself in the mirror. She put down the curling iron. 

“What am I doing? Trying to get Tessa back? Why would I do that to her? I love her. She doesn’t deserve me in her life and she doesn’t deserve me fighting the break up. I can’t ask her not to go on tour. To what, to stay here with me? Me? The person who abused her, frightened her, made her leave home. Again. No.”

Mariah unzipped the boots, took off the dress and started over. She thought about seeing Tessa again and what talking to her would even be like. She couldn’t remember the last sober conversation she’d had with her. Considering this, Mariah absentmindedly slipped her sweats back on, crawled into bed and pulled the covers over her head. Sadness weighed her down and she felt exhausted. As if willing herself into unconsciousness, Mariah let sleep take over. 

What must have been just minutes later, the doorbell rang. Mariah sleepily dragged herself out of bed and went downstairs. She answered the door to Tessa, standing in her winter coat, scarf tied lazily around her neck. Mariah thought she looked beautiful but knew it didn’t matter. Wordlessly, she held open the door wider, allowing Tessa to enter. 

Mariah closed the door and turned around, noticing that Tessa hadn’t bothered taking off her coat. Mariah realized this wouldn’t take long. Neither of them moved, Tessa too afraid to start, Mariah too afraid to let her. Finally Tessa let out a soft sigh.

“Mariah …”

“I understand.” Mariah wanted this over as quickly as possible so she could go back to her room. 

“It’s over.” Tessa said to her, tears in her eyes but determination on her face. She meant it.

“Okay,” was all Mariah could say as she walked past her, towards the stairs. 

“Wait,” Tessa called after as she brushed by her.

Mariah stopped and turned back to Tessa. She looked at her expectantly. Tessa asked her to wait so she waited. What more did she want from her?

“Don’t you even care?” Tessa asked as she reached out to take Mariah’s hand.

Mariah twisted out of the embrace, taking Tessa’s wrist in the process. “Of course I care.”

Tessa tried to wriggle out of the hold but it was too tight. “Mariah, you’re hurting me.”

Mariah just stared at Tessa, gripping tighter, trying to keep hold of her, all the while knowing she was causing her pain.

“Mariah!”

Mariah shot up in bed. Her entire body was sweaty and she felt her hand balled up in a tight fist. She stared at it for a moment, slowly letting her fingers loosen and expand. 

“Mariah.”

She looked up to see Sharon slowly walking toward her, concern on her face.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, um,” Mariah ran her fingers through her hair. “Just …” looked down, ashamed for some reason. “I just had another dream.”

Sharon sat on the bed next to her and rubbed her back. 

“Sweetheart, you’re sweating.”

Mariah pulled away, not wanting Sharon to make a fuss. “I’m fine,” she said. “What time is it?”

“It’s just after four.”

“In the morning?”

“In the afternoon.” Sharon stood and pulled open the curtains. Late afternoon sun filled the room. “This is why you need natural light in here.”

Mariah flinched at the light, dim as it was. She was about to wrap herself back in her blankets when Sharon stopped her.

“Tessa’s downstairs.”

Mariah froze. Tessa was downstairs. That hadn’t happened yet. She still had to go through the break up. She stared ahead, afraid to move.

“Mariah …” Sharon started. “Are you ready to see her?”

“You have to go through this,” Mariah thought to herself. “You deserve it.” Mariah swallowed and barely nodded, still not looking at Sharon. They both got off the bed and Mariah started to follow Sharon out of the room. Sharon turned back around.

“Where are you going?”

Mariah was confused. “Downstairs?”

Sharon cocked her head. “Change your clothes first.”

Mariah looked down at her somewhat damp and lived-in attire then back up at Sharon. 

“Fine.”

Sharon left her to it and went downstairs to keep Tessa company.

“She’ll be down in a minute,” Sharon informed Tessa as she took a seat on the sofa next to her. “Would you like some tea?”

“No, thanks.” Tessa took a breath. “Is she … how is she?”

Sharon’s face instinctively formed in an optimist lift. “She’s good.” She tried to hold the pose but as Tessa searched her eyes for more information, she couldn’t keep it for long. “She’s trying.”

On cue, Mariah came down the stairs, looking like she was really trying, wearing real clothes - jeans and a sweater - but her hair was still a bit disheveled and without any makeup, the dark circles under her eyes were vividly apparent. Tessa and Sharon stood as she entered the room.

“Well, I have some errands to run so I’m gonna go.”

Sharon quickly made herself scarce, leaving Mariah and Tessa alone in the room with the thick tension around them. They sat on the couch in silence. Tessa wanted to tell Mariah that she looked good but she couldn’t. Because she didn’t. She looked tired and beaten down. The spark that was her Mariah wasn’t there anymore. Her eyes were cold and she seemed empty. She sat next to Tessa motionless and unfeeling as if there was no fight left in her. Tessa had no idea who she was looking at. She looked down and noticed the bandage wrapped around her hand.

“What happened to your hand?” Tessa almost picked it up to inspect and cradle it but held back.

Mariah tried to cover it with her other hand. “Um, nothing. Just an accident.” A slight flush reached her cheeks, shame filling her. She couldn’t bear to tell Tessa she’d had another violent outburst involving more broken glass.

Tessa hated that Mariah had hurt herself and she didn’t know about it. She hated that she was in this state and she hadn’t been around to help her. In that moment, Tessa had a revelation.

“Mariah,” Tessa started softly. “I made a mistake.”

Mariah turned her head and looked at Tessa. “You made … ?”

“I thought space was what we needed. I thought it’s what was best for you. But I was wrong. Things started getting bad when we stopped connecting and stopped being together.”

Mariah didn’t know where this was going. She suspiciously stayed silent and waited.

Tessa carefully pressed on. “Something’s been going on with you for a while. You needed me and I left. I ran away and I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry.” Mariah repeated, unsure why on earth Tessa would apologize to her.

“I’m sorry,” Tessa confirmed. 

Mariah stood up and crossed to the other side of the room, leaving some much needed distance between them. She realized Tessa was going to drag this out and she couldn’t take much more. “Tessa,” Mariah started, her back turned, “you don’t have to be sorry. For anything ever.” 

She heard Tessa get off the couch, could feel her closing in. Mariah turned to see her standing three feet away. She held out her hand stopping Tessa from coming any further. This was the end and Mariah knew it would be her only chance to say this.

“I hurt you.”

Tessa was about to protest but realized she couldn’t. “Yes.” She still tried to soften the blow. “And I’ve hurt you in the past.”

“Not like that. Never like that.” Tears started to form in Mariah’s eyes.

“We’ve both done things that --”

“Tessa, what I did to you was --”

“Bad. What you did was awful. It wasn’t okay. You crossed a line.”

The tears flowed down Mariah’s cheeks as she remembered everything she had done to Tessa. Talking was difficult but she needed this to be over. “I can’t give you an explanation because there isn’t one. You deserve so much more than … this.” Mariah choked on her own words. “I want you to know I understand.”

“Understand what?”

“Why you’re here. You’re ending things. You’re going on tour with Sally.”

“You … you know about the tour?”

“Well, yeah. I do still work at Power, even if it’s from my pajamas in my room. I still know what’s going on. And you should go. You don’t need my permission. But you should go.”

Tessa inched toward Mariah as if she were about to jump off a 20-story building. “I’m not going on the tour. And I didn’t come here to break up with you.”

“Why not?! Tessa … I … I tried to --”

“You didn’t.” Tessa moves to Mariah, now holding her good hand. “You stopped.”

Mariah allowed Tessa to hold her hand, if only for the selfish reason that she might never feel it again. Tears clouded her eyes but she looked up at Tessa and pleaded, shaking her head. “Don’t forgive me, Tessa. You can’t forgive me. Not for this. Please, don’t forgive me.”

Tessa’s eyes welled up at the sound of Mariah begging. She swiftly took her in her arms and held her tight. She brought her hand up over Mariah’s head and held it while she cried into her shoulder, still mumbling, “Don’t forgive me.” The harder Mariah cried, the harder Tessa held her. She felt frail in her arms, like a shell about to crack. Still Tessa held on tighter, silently swearing she wouldn’t let her break. When Mariah’s cries and pleas lessened, Tessa whispered, “I forgive you.” She felt Mariah’s body go limp in her arms, as if she was giving her permission to hold her up, to help with her burden. Mariah was giving something over to her and Tessa accepted it.

Mariah finally pulled back so she could look at Tessa. Through blurry eyes, they both stared at one another and Mariah suddenly became very aware of herself. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. She didn’t know if she was sorry for crying or for allowing herself to be held when she didn’t deserve it, sorry for being forgiven, sorry for everything.

Tessa looked her in the eyes. “No more apologies. We’re not doing that anymore. We’re done being sorry.” She pulled Mariah back into the embrace and slowly rocked her until they both regained some composure.

“Do you want to sit?” Tessa gently asked. Mariah simply nodded and they sat together on the sofa. There was a quiet over them, not like the tension before. It was almost serene. They both stay still for a moment, neither of them sure where they were supposed to go from there.

“We have a lot to work out,” Tessa finally said, “And we can’t do that if we’re not together.”

“I can’t move back in,” Mariah said, still feeling undeserving of such an offer.

“Oh,” Tessa replied, shifting awkwardly, “I, um …”

Mariah realized the offer wasn’t actually extended to her. “Oh! Right.”

“It’s just,” Tessa started painfully slow, “I didn’t think … I mean, we just started talking again.”

“I know.”

“It just feels ...”

“I get it.” Although Mariah had initially established that she had no right to move back in with Tessa, she was hurt that Tessa had no intention of asking her to.

Tessa felt terrible. She was afraid of them taking a giant leap backwards in an instant. She took Mariah’s hand in hers. “I want you home with me. But we have to do this right. There is a lot.” Mariah nodded in agreement. “But I’m here with you a hundred percent.” Tessa waited for Mariah to look her in the eyes. “It’s you and me, okay?” Mariah nodded again. Tessa held Mariah’s face in her hand. “I still love you and that’s never changing.”

Mariah leaned into Tessa’s hand and felt the love, love that she was certain she would never feel again. Love she still wasn’t convinced she should have.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter. Maybe there will be a part two someday. Thanks for reading!

Chapter 9

The next morning Mariah felt well-rested for the first time in months. She’d gotten five wonderful, uninterrupted, nightmare-free hours of sleep and it had made all the difference. She felt a sense of renewal, if only slightly. There was hope. Tessa had hugged her and told her she forgave her. While Mariah wasn’t convinced she deserved such a gesture, she still thought maybe, _maybe_ they could come back from this. It was the maybe that she held onto. The maybe got her out of bed that morning.

This small glimmer of possibility motivated Mariah to do more with her day. She decided to go into the office. She hopped out of bed and opened her closet. Sifting through her clothes she realized she had a problem. The black dress she had discarded the night before was her only work-appropriate outfit. If she was going to start making regular appearances at Power again, she would have to go back to the apartment for more clothes.

But maybe that would be okay now. Any thought Mariah had had before about returning to the apartment had given her anxiety attacks so bad that she just stopped thinking about it altogether. But now as she considered returning, even to just pick up some things, Mariah felt a calming sense of home. She knew it wasn’t her home now. But it could be one day and feeling that possibility was what pushed Mariah’s every step that day.

# \---------------------------------

Tessa also woke up feeling lighter, relaxed. She hadn’t realized how tense she had been over the last few months. She recalled the night before, holding Mariah as she wept in her arms. Holding up her shaking body, Tessa took in everything Mariah was feeling, everything she had been feeling for so long. This incredible sadness had taken over Mariah and Tessa had no idea how strong it was until then. She felt even more committed to helping her and to repairing their relationship, getting them back on track. She knew they were better together no matter what had happened in the past. But before that could happen, she needed to take care of some business.

# \---------------------------------

Tessa entered Crimson Lights feeling optimistic about the day. She noticed Sally already seated and opted to forgo the coffee and instead march right into the conversation.

Sally looked up from her phone and smiled. “Hi!”

“Hey, Sally,” Tessa greeted as she took off her coat and sat down.

“I hope you have good news for me,” she said, raising her eyebrows. Tessa fidgeted and Sally’s face fell. “You’re not coming.”

Tessa shook her head. “Sally, it sounds amazing --”

“So why are you bailing?” Tessa opened her mouth but Sally beat her to the word. “Mariah.”

Tessa’s silence confirmed it. She had been so confident in her decision when she walked in moments before. But now, sitting across from Sally, she felt almost ashamed. Tessa didn’t quite understand this affect that Sally had on her but she always felt the need to defend herself whenever she chose Mariah over music. She supposed it was because Sally represented all Tessa had ever wanted to be. She had the focus and the talent and now the success. But, Tessa surmised, her priorities had shifted. When she first buried herself in music, it was because she had very little love in her life and she had to create her own. Now everything was different.

“Is she really worth it?” Sally asked.

For the first time, Tessa fully raised her head, her eyes staring directly at Sally. _Is she really worth it?_ She’s everything. She realized Sally knew nothing about Mariah or their relationship. She was no longer intimidated by her and she certainly wasn’t questioning her decision.

“Yes,” Tessa firmly replied.

“I’m sorry,” Sally retreated, feeling the chill.

“I’m sure you won’t have any trouble finding someone else.” Tessa stood and put on her coat.

“But I want you,” Sally confessed, making it clear she wasn’t just talking about an opening act.

“Mariah is more important,” Tessa simply said as she headed toward the door. On her way out, she passed Ana who was coming in. They said quick hello’s before Tessa left. Ana noticed Sally at the table and sat down.

“Were you just meeting with Tessa?”

“She’s not doing the tour.”

“I can’t say I’m surprised,” Ana offered.

Sally finally got it. She had only really heard about Tessa’s problems with Mariah. But she realized there was a lot more to them than that. They had a history she knew nothing about. They had a love she knew nothing about. “Neither of us had a real chance with Tessa, did we?” Sally asked Ana.

“No chance in hell.”

Sally sighed and noticed Ana was beverage-less. “Buy you a coffee?” she smiled, hopeful.

“Sure,” Ana smiled back, a blush hidden.

# \---------------------------------

Mariah sat at her desk and looked around. She had been working from home so long, disconnected from the world, this was all a little daunting. She knew people would be surprised to see her and she wondered what rumors circulated throughout the office. The lightness Mariah had felt earlier that morning was starting to get heavy again. She tried to push it out of her mind and just focus on work when Devon poked his head in.

“You’re here,” he said from the doorway, clearly surprised.

“It is my office.” Mariah tried to keep her tone even but the snark always found a way out.

“Yes but you haven’t been in it for a while,” Devon pointed out, stepping into the office and helping himself to a seat. Mariah didn’t have a retort that wouldn’t result in an explanation that she had no interest in providing at this time. Devon gave her an out. “It’s good to see you.”

She managed a kind smile his way and busied herself with work, hoping he would pick up on the hint and leave her alone. She was happy to see her friend too but if she was going to be a proper person in the world again, she needed some quiet time to herself.

“So how have you been?” Devon asked.

Mariah realized he either didn’t know she wanted to be alone or he really didn’t care. She figured it was the latter. Devon was a good friend and she appreciated it so she tried.

“I’m good. Great, actually,” she lied horribly.

“Everything okay with you and Tessa?” Devon asked, in what felt to Mariah to be a prying sort of way. Her defenses instantly shot up.

“Why do you ask?”

“Well, I know that Tessa’s been staying at Ana’s.”

“She’s home now.”

“Oh, good. So you’ve worked things out.”

Mariah put her head back down to focus on some not-at-all important papers and tried to sound casual. “I’m staying at Sharon’s.”

“Look, Mariah, I know you and Tessa don’t really fight very often. And when you do, it’s usually about something pretty big. So if you want to talk --”

“I don’t.”

“Fine. But I’m here if you do.”

This wasn’t an exit line. Devon sat right in front of her, not moving, demonstrating just how “here” he was. Mariah knew she needed to say something to get him to leave. She offered a crumb. “Thanks, Devon,” she said as sincerely as she could muster. “But I have a lot of work to catch up on. Maybe we can get lunch?”

Devon understood she was in no mood to further discuss the topic and stood up from the chair. “Okay,” he smiled as he left her office. 

Mariah let out a sigh and looked at her phone. She decided it was now or never. 

The response came quickly and it was kind and friendly. Because it was Tessa. Mariah tried to focus on work and not their next interaction later that evening.

# \---------------------------------

Standing before the door, Mariah knew she was supposed to ring the doorbell. This wasn’t her home right now - it may never be - and she knew she had to respect that. She tried to remember when all of this started. They had been happy in their new apartment together. As this new phase of their life together began, they were on a path that felt right. And yet here she was, about to ring the doorbell.

“Hey,” Tessa said when she opened the door. They both stood in an awkward silence, still unsure who they were to each other, how to act, what to expect. After a torturous moment too long, Tessa moved back and motioned for Mariah to enter. As she did, she looked around the apartment as if she were seeing it for the first time. She noticed the walls in the dining room.

“Oh,” Tessa said, noting Mariah’s curious glance. “I finally got the dining room painted. It looks good.” Tessa was trying to pay Mariah a compliment as she’d been the one who had insisted on the color.

“It does,” Mariah said quietly. She didn’t like how uncomfortable they still were together.

“It even matches the plates,” Tessa said as she moved towards the kitchen to show Mariah. 

“Wait,” Mariah said, grabbing Tessa’s arm. She simply wanted the small talk to end. Unfortunately this move of grabbing Tessa, as gentle as she may have intended, caused Tessa to snap her arm away and tense up.

“I … I’m sorry.” Mariah pulled her hand back as if trying not to frighten a rabid animal.

Tessa’s face instantly changed from defensive to apologetic. “No, Mariah. I didn’t mean --”

“God, what’s wrong with me?” Mariah addressed the question to herself as she turned away from Tessa and walked up with stairs without another word.

Tessa slumped her shoulders. “What’s wrong with _ me _," she sighed to herself as she made her way upstairs.

In the bedroom, just as quickly as she had packed before, Mariah started randomly throwing clothes into a bag. She was desperate to get out of the apartment before she could cause any additional damage.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Tessa said standing in the doorway, making a point to keep her distance for the moment.

Mariah looked up from her packing. “I didn’t? Tessa, I’m, doing _everything_ wrong. I have for months.”

“It was just a reaction,” Tessa explained, stepping into the room.

“A reaction to me. That’s how you react to my touch now. I did that, Tessa.”

Mariah continued packing, trying to avoid the conversation. Tessa entered the room and sat at the end of the bed next to the suitcase.

“Mariah, stop.”

Mariah ignored her as she stuffed more clothes into the bag, a bit more frantic now. Tessa calmly placed her hand on top of Mariah’s, halting her motions. “Just stop.”

Mariah looked down as a tear rolled down her cheek and onto Tessa’s hand.

“Why are you still here?” Mariah asked.

“I live here,” Tessa replied, hoping a bit of levity would ease the tension in the room.

Mariah finally lifted her head. Her honey-copper eyes glistened with tears and she tried to control the trembling in her lips. “You know what I mean.”

“Because I love you,” Tessa replied, suddenly surprised that this was even a question.

Mariah accepted the words, considered them, then zipped up her suitcase. “You shouldn’t,” she answered, pulling the suitcase off the bed and wheeling it towards the door.

Before Mariah could get out of the room, Tessa was behind her, a hand on her shoulder. “Wait.”

Mariah paused and without looking behind her she whispered, “Don’t.”

They both stayed frozen in place, neither of them sure of their next move. What were the words? Lately, every moment between them felt crucial, like navigating a mine field. One wrong move and it was all over. Tessa finally decided to take a chance. It was better than the silence.

“I can’t live without you.” It was a plea. The seconds loudly ticked by on a clock hanging on the wall, adding unwanted stress to the situation. Tessa desperately wanted Mariah to turn around, to stay and talk to her. “Please say something,” she urged.

Tessa could feel Mariah’s shoulder trembling under her hand. She felt Mariah wanting to speak but couldn’t physically get out the words. She waited while her thumb gently rubbed back and forth along her back.

“Tessa,” Mariah finally said through choked breaths, “I can’t.”

Tessa held her breath as the clock continued to remind her that they weren’t frozen in this moment. She felt Mariah’s shoulder under her hand and feared that if Mariah left, she may never be able to touch her again. “Can’t what?” A question met with silence. Tessa managed to speak again. “Mariah, please look at me.”

Mariah finally turned around, head down. Tessa placed her finger on Mariah’s chin and lifted it up so their eyes could meet. Tears fell from Mariah’s eyes. “I can’t even touch you. You’re … afraid of me.”

Tessa gently took Mariah’s hand and placed it on her cheek. She leaned into the warm palm, feeling comforted and safe. “I’m not .” As mesmerized as she was by the sentiment, by the feeling of Tessa’s skin against her hand, Mariah pulled back, overwhelmed. She squirmed out of Tessa’s thrall, turned, and with her suitcase still in her other hand, she bolted out of the bedroom and down the stairs. Tessa, determined, followed closely behind her.

“Mariah,” Tessa called out to Mariah on their decent to the main floor.

“I’m sorry,” Mariah whimpered without looking back. Mariah quickly headed for the door.

“I don’t want you to be sorry. I want you to talk to me.” Mariah stopped, still facing the door, still certain she should leave, still unsure if she could. “What is going on with you, Mariah?”

“I messed up.”

“Yeah. You did. And I want to fix it.”

Mariah finally turned to face Tessa, tears clouding both of their eyes. “I do too.”

“Then talk to me!” Tessa hadn’t meant to yell. She wasn’t angry but the frustration that had been building for months had reached its peak. Mariah flinched a little at the rise in Tessa’s voice. Mariah let the suitcase slip from her fingers. She sighed, exhausted from all of this. She felt herself accept that this feeling right now was misery and no amount of talking could make it worse.

Tessa noticed her resignation and felt relief. “Will you stay?”

Mariah silently nodded.

“Do you want to sit?”

Another nod and they quietly sat on the couch, close but not touching. After a minute of uncertainty, Mariah surprised herself by speaking first.

“Do you still want to be with me?”

Tessa was taken aback, first by the broken silent but then by the weight of the question.

“Of course I do,” Tessa replied, almost offended. “More than anything.”

“Why?” Mariah looked into Tessa’s eyes, sincerely curious, completely aghast that this woman would still want her, had ever wanted her to begin with.

“Because I fucking love you!” Tessa was getting frustrated again. She could appreciate how badly Mariah felt about everything but if she couldn’t forgive herself, she would never accept Tessa’s forgiveness. And she’d never accept her love. “Mariah, you have to get past this. You have to stop hating yourself. I don’t hate you.”

Tessa’s exasperation just served to fuel Mariah’s. “But why? Why don’t you hate me? You should! I tried to rape you!”

They both stared at each other, transfixed on the word hanging in the air around them like an infinite echo. Tessa could see that Mariah was insistent on paying a perpetual penance for her actions. She seemed determined to hate herself out of this relationship, give up because she had committed an unforgiveable sin. Tessa snapped out of the trance and without thinking blurted out words.

“No, you didn’t! Mariah, I know what rape is, believe me!”

Tessa quickly snapped her mouth shut. _ Fuck _ She hadn’t meant to say that. It was clear by the look on Mariah's face that she’d already shared too much. It was a look of pity, partly for Tessa and partly for herself.

“Tessa, you --” Mariah began softly but let the sentence drift between them, unfinished. A tear escaped through the corner of Tessa’s eye and she didn’t bother to wipe it away. There was a thick silence between them. 

Tessa finally replied, staring straight ahead. “I didn’t want you to think you brought up bad memories or you were like them,” she stopped and looked into Mariah’s eyes. “Because you’re nothing like them,” she said quickly and adamantly. “What happened with you was nothing like that.”

_ Them. _ Mariah didn't know what to do with the sadness and rage she was feeling. _ THEM. _ She tried to focus, stay calm. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I thought it would make things … worse,” Tessa almost laughed at the absurdity that things could possibly be worse than they already were. 

“I mean, why didn’t you tell me before?” 

Tessa considered the answer, not entirely sure of it herself. There were so many nights they spent in bed just talking. They talked about their past, some of the horrible things they had been through. She had told Mariah about her parents and the substance abuse and the violence. But she never brought up the men who had wandered in and out of her life, always uninvited, never kind. “I guess I never wanted to bring that into our relationship. We’re perfect.” Tessa beat Mariah to a scoff she knew was coming. She grabbed her hands. “We are still perfect. You are love and I feel that from you every day. Even on the bad days.”

“Tessa,” Mariah began.

“No. No more. You have something going on with you and we’re going to fix it. Therapy, meditation, a weekend away. I don’t care. I’m not letting you take away the best thing in my life because you screwed up and you can’t get over it. Because that’s not fair to me.”

Just as Tessa was amping up, the doorbell mercifully rang. Mariah turned her head to the door while Tessa got up and greeted a delivery man. She gave him cash, took the bag from him, and closed the door. As she carried the food to the kitchen, she simply said to Mariah, “I got your favorite.”

Mariah leaned her head in the direction of the kitchen. “You ordered me food?”

Tessa poked her head around the corner. “Yes. I ordered you food. Because that’s what you do when you care about someone. Will you please stay for dinner?” She was precise and a bit short but not angry. Although, with such a commanding tone, Mariah was afraid to say no.

They ate their food and with the help of some wine - well-regulated, of course - Mariah and Tessa started to really talk to each other. Conversational bits sprinkled in and out to keep things light and when Tessa picked out her zucchini and shoved it to one section of her plate, Mariah reached over and stabbed each one with her fork. “Thanks,” Tessa said sheepishly. “I hate zucchini. I never had it when I was younger and it’s just weird to me.” Mariah smiled because she knew this about Tessa. They fell into a rhythm, small and simple as it was. It would have felt comfortable except for a giant cloud looming over the dining room table. They both took baby steps into the important topics. Mariah told Tessa about her insecurities. Tessa told Mariah about her fears. They had miles to go but this was a start.

Hours later, Mariah went upstairs to gather a few more things that she had forgotten in her hasty packing job. She collected things from the bathroom when she heard Tessa climb the stairs. She felt her stop in the doorway, watching her. She didn’t mind because it felt like Tessa was watching over her, making sure she was safe. Mariah felt a wave of sadness cloak her again and she stopped packing. After all this, Tessa was still making sure that _ she _ was safe. She knew she was loved and felt her previous insecurities wash away. What an idiot she had been. 

_ _“Hey,” Mariah heard Tessa say as her hands held her shoulders from behind. “What’s wrong? Where did you go?”_ _

_ _Mariah eased into the touch and was suddenly reminded that Tessa could always sense her sadness without even seeing her face. She eventually turned to face her._ _

_ _“I’m sorry,” Mariah said. _ _

_ _This was a different apology. It wasn’t filled with desperation or self-loathing. It wasn’t a plea or an excuse. They weren’t words. Tessa didn’t know what this was but she knew it was the Mariah she had always been connected to._ _

_ _Tessa pulled Mariah into a tight hug and stroked her hair. “I’m sorry too,” she told her, not necessary apologizing for anything. _ _

_ _When they both pulled back, they wiped the thin tears in their eyes. Mariah looked at the clock on the wall. “I didn’t realize it was so late. I should get going.” Mariah grabbed the few things she’d gathered and started out the door. Tessa followed her into the bedroom._ _

_ _“Mariah.”_ _

_ _Mariah turned around._ _

_ _“It is late. You should … stay here tonight.”_ _

_ _They both took turns glancing at each other and then to the bed and back again. Neither was certain how this would turn out but they both knew they needed to be together. Tessa stepped towards Mariah and gently took her hand. “Please?” Mariah simply nodded._ _

_ _They silently changed into their pajamas. Tessa pulled back the covers while Mariah turned out the light. They both stood on their respective sides of the bed, apprehensive. Tessa eventually took the first step and climbed in. Mariah followed suit. They laid in the dark, both staring up, feeling the distance between them, the things that had happened in that room. This still felt new to them, like they were two different people than they had been before. Would these new people be compatible too? Would they be just as in love? Would they be better to each other? Tessa shifted closer to Mariah and put a hand on her shoulder. Mariah turned on her side, allowing Tessa to spoon her, fitting perfectly._ _

_ _Mariah let out a sigh that had weighed on her for months. It turned into a quiet, breathy, guttural cry as she released everything that had been held in and held back. She shivered into the embrace._ _

_ _“I know,” Tessa whispered as she held Mariah tighter. There was nothing more she could say. Words had continually failed them. Through months of struggling, all they could do that night was hold on and silently beg the other not to let go._ _


End file.
